I turned off my phone for the first time in a long time tonight. I turned it back on thirty minutes later to see if anything had happened. It didn't. I am leaving it off for a night. I can't remember that last time I wasn't tied to my phone. It was probably in August when I was camping and at Burning Man. That wasn't the same as being available and choosing to be unavailable ... it's a different feeling.
I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to be doing more in the world. The feeling was compounded yesterday when a dear friend called me and told me of the tears she shed when she watched a video about global warming and how much we aren't doing. This nagging feeling is behind every silence, underneath every hug, and in between every word I speak. It's like no matter what I do or think, it seems like I could be doing or thinking so much more.
The Guides say that it would serve me to connect with someone so intimately and deeply that I could feel like I needed them. This prospect sends stabbing swords of fear through every part of me. I have never felt like I needed someone, not even with my family. I have missed them and longed for them but I have always known that I can do it alone ... and will. It seems I am at a threshhold where I may be letting somebody or some bodies in ... I don't like it and there is a soft whisper inside my mind saying, 'Run the other way as fast as you can ... '
I wan't to clear it all out- my apartment, my life, my head. I wan't to rid everything of the minutia and clutter that keeps me from my deepest feelings and grandest fulfillments. I want to throw everything away and start again. I want to take a deep, long rest and emerge with new thought and a broader way of seeing. I want to disappear and come back as a lighter and clearer version of me.
So the question remains: What am I waiting for?
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