I've been learning to recognize the beginning signs of depression. But not just recognize them, heed them as well. I'm learning that this is my body's way of letting me know something is out of balance. I've been seeing some of these signs the last couple of days. Southern California has just started to get cold and living by the beach has it's benefits but during the short Venice winter, it can be cloudy for mornings on end.
The past couple of days I have been reminding myself that it matters most for me to choose the good things for me especially when I feel bad. I have been doing that this week with my light box, eating good and warm food, and staying active. I was feeling more and more stagnant and disconnected from the world and my desires (these are my first clues that depression is on the horizon) .... until this morning.
At the beginning of my yoga class I really had to keep talking myself into it and pushing myself. It felt like the whole thing was about to be a lot of work ... that is until I felt something shift inside of me. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down my face and never stopped. At the beginning of the class one of my favorite teachers, Mary, asked us to choose something to dedicate our practice to. I chose myself. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have had a rough couple of months and I deserve some attention from myself. During the rest of the practice, as the tears continued to flow, I realized that they had been at the surface for quite some time but I had never properly acknowledged them. These salty tears told me I was wonderful and perfect and it would serve me if I were to take time out of my precious self made self-improvement program to recognize this and I would feel oh so much better. They told me that I am always unconditionally loved and I always have more love to give .... even when it seems hard. My wet friends told me that it's okay to let them visit me whenever I feel it and that when they come, no matter my perception, it is always the perfect time and place.
Today I was blessed with liquid messengers that dared me to grasp hold of my desires and ride them to the end, like I was riding my breathe to the riches of my inner emotions. They told me it was all going to be okay and even if I can't see the world evolving in every single moment of my existence, it matters not because I am the one who chooses what to focus on. They told me to take a risk and tell every single person I know exactly how I feel about them and see what happens. These little streams of deep nurturing and inner knowing showed me who and what I Really Am.
As we sat in lotus position at the end of our class and bowed to each other, Mary told us to choose what we are greatful for. I am greatful for my body, myself, and all of the many abilities and streams of experience I carry and will continue to uncover ... as an experiment to see that if I recognize my own amazingness in every moment, will it allow me to see exactly how amazing each moment really is?
