When there are no words ....

And then I was here .... alone.  I know this is how we arrive and I know this is how we leave.  And yet, we are never truly alone for it is the illusion of being in a body that makes it appear so solitary. 

I turned off my phone for the first time in a long time tonight.  I turned it back on thirty minutes later to see if anything had happened.  It didn't.  I am leaving it off for a night.  I can't remember that last time I wasn't tied to my phone.  It was probably in August when I was camping and at Burning Man.  That wasn't the same as being available and choosing to be unavailable ... it's a different feeling.

I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to be doing more in the world.  The feeling was compounded yesterday when a dear friend called me and told me of the tears she shed when she watched a video about global warming and how much we aren't doing.  This nagging feeling is behind every silence, underneath every hug, and in between every word I speak.  It's like no matter what I do or think, it seems like I could be doing or thinking so much more.  

The Guides say that it would serve me to connect with someone so intimately and deeply that I could feel like I needed them.  This prospect sends stabbing swords of fear through every part of me.  I have never felt like I needed someone, not even with my family.  I have missed them and longed for them but I have always known that I can do it alone ... and will.  It seems I am at a threshhold where I may be letting somebody or some bodies in ... I don't like it and there is a soft whisper inside my mind saying, 'Run the other way as fast as you can ... '

I wan't to clear it all out- my apartment, my life, my head.  I wan't to rid everything of the minutia and clutter that keeps me from my deepest feelings and grandest fulfillments.  I want to throw everything away and start again.  I want to take a deep, long rest and emerge with new thought and a broader way of seeing.  I want to disappear and come back as a lighter and clearer version of me. 

So the question remains: What am I waiting for?

When it's business-

In this moment, I feel so full and sure of myself.  In this moment, nothing can touch me.

I know who I am.  I know what I'm made of.  And I know that today was another day that helped me realize more of Who I Really Am.

I wake up and look myself in the mirror every morning and I can smile at myself because I know that my choices and I have laid together in harmony.

I know that today I made a difference for  someone somewhere.  I know that the goodness I feel and the beauty I see mean something.

Not too long ago I lost my faith in humanity.  It was a dark moment in my existence.  I knew that it was a turning point and something had to shift because a faith like the kind I carried doesn't just float away.  It gets blasted away by something fierce ... or some things fierce

I asked for help.

Slowly my faith was restored by small acts done by unknowing humans all around me.  If all of those people knew what they had done for me on a much larger scale, I think the world could blossom like my heart right now.

Today I realized fully that my faith is only carried by me.  I am the one that mirrors existence to me.  I choose what to see and what to reflect.  I decide what I bring to the world everyday and how I create my day.  Me.  I do that.

I am free and it's because of all the choices I have made.  I have always been free and will continue to be free.  Sometimes I like to forget and create illusionary boundaries of ways that I am not fully free.  But I always come back to this moment: the moment when I remember that I am exactly where I am because of me.  I did this.

Today I love where I'm at and I wouldn't trade all the experiences of this day for anything else in the world.  Today some business took place around me and even though it looked like it had everything to do with me, it had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I am a symbol for everything going on around me.  And so I keep my reflection clean, clear, and full of Love because whatever people see through the mirror of me, I want it to be as clear as it possibly can be.

Today I lived, and the world is better for it.

My Dream~

Once upon a time there was a girl.  Although she was born with a fearlessly open heart, years on earth took their toll and painted her heart shut.  Even so, she surrounded herself with open hearted people, thought open hearted thoughts, and wrote open hearted words.  

None of her open hearted activities brought her relief from her open heart painted shut.  So with sorrow, she resolved to live the best life she could with an open heart painted shut.

One day, many years later, she had a dream.  She dreamt that she had an open heart painted shut.  As she started peeling the layers of paint away, she noticed her own fears in each layer of paint.  She peeled and peeled and looked all of her fears in the eye as she handed each one off to the wind.

When she awoke from the dream, she realized her heart was no longer painted shut.  She rejoiced in her fully open heart and showed it to everyone she came across.  As more and more people met her, they too started to slowly peel away their layers of paint and fear.  One day, the entire world had peeled away their layers of paint and fear and were celebrating with their fully radiant open hearts.

Freedom

I am free.  I have always been free but today I feel it.  Yesterday I realized it.  And in the coming days, my choices will reflect that freedom instead of the self-imposed limitation that I have created in the past.

I am the one creating my experience moment by moment.  And on this day, it is time to start creating the things that are more in alignment with what I know, with who I AM.

Today I feel light.  I feel like everything I need resides inside of me.  I feel like I have every answer that I desire and all the people walking alongside my path are affirmations of this fact.

I feel like Source surrounds every aspect of my reality and my Guides are laughing with me and watching what my next move will be, like a compassionate mother watching her young child in the playground.

So today, with this lightness, I will dare to dream about my ideal reality and how that will make me feel.  I will hold my highest hopes in a container of possiblity and gaze upon it as thought it is all happening NOW.  

I will compliment and nurture myself and treat myself like a good friend I haven't seen for a while .... and listen to myself.

I will connect with all my people and remind them of why they are important to me.  I will dare to reconnect with my deepest dreams and pursue what I know I am here for, no matter what people around me say.

Today I will .....