The darkness~

Every morning for a week I have been waking up to the Tool tracks whose lyrics I am posting below. I will do this every day until the anger is gone .....

Then healing can happen-

the grudge The Grudge

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

chism Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

Independence?

Today is July 4th.

It's a big deal pretty much everywhere I turn.

I'm not feelin it.

I'm now on my 4th day of no sugar (hehe July 4th/4th dayofnosugar) and in the middle of a 100 day gong and a mild herbal cleanse. Needless to say, I have a lot going on inside of me. I'm feeling a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, and the urge to clear my space, inside and out is now at the forefront of my consciousness.

I'm not excited about the constant flow of summer festivals, the relentless LA opportunities to go out dancing, or getting together with 500 other people to celebrate something or other. I'm feeling like I need to connect with my closest people one by one so I can take them in my embrace, look them in the eyes, and remember what is at the core of our connection.

Detoxing is always a strange and interesting thing. The unhealthy things inside of me are flowing out and through and I can distinguish what is really me and what isn't. This is physically and emotionally. I see my emotional patterns that have kept me in my own prison and sometimes I see why I have created them. There isn't a lot of judgment hanging around the edges since almost all dysfunction is some form of self-preservation and I am learning not to take my stuff personally.

The thing I have been noticing the most about the role that sugar has played in my life is the very convenient avenue to escapism. This makes me wonder what I'm trying to escape from? It also begs the question: What could be a healthy and beneficial path to escapism that could work for me NOW?

Going on top of a mountain has worked in the past. So has taking random, unplanned, leave-in-the-middle-of-the-night roadtrips that were a staple of my childhood. But today I may stay home, bypass all the crowds, and celebrate my own independence from sugar, crutches, and anything outside of me that I may have let determine my caliber of experience thus far.

Amen.

What's underneath-

I'm sad.

I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I was even more sad a minute ago until I realized that this is the first time that my boy sadness came from someone being honest with me. It's a change. And that part is comforting.

I'm on day 15 of my secret 100 day gong. I noticed today that my natural stance is more in line. That was fast.

I attended a good friend's hypnotist session to quit smoking. Although I didn't plan on it, I also got hypnotized to release sugar and caffeine. This is my first day with very little sugar. I was really angry the first half of the day and then a lot of tears came the second half.

I have to remember that my body is cleansing while I'm realizing that my latest crush isn't crushing on me back. It makes me not as sad.

It's such a different experience to actually feel my pain instead of quieting it with something. I could get used to it. There is some sort of relief in it.

Because my crushes and disappointments are so frequent, it seems like keeping the faith is hard. But today I'm remembering that progress is being made. Because at least this time I attracted someone into my space who was actually honest with me and considerate of my situation.

Trusting my feelings is hard to do. But I think it's even harder to pretend like I don't have them. My friend Heather told me it's possible to feel sad and sexy at the same time. I'm banking on that.

3 Goddesses and their light

I woke up this morning with two beautiful girls in my apartment and a calm, quiet content inside. Based on a friend's suggestion, I stepped out of my desire to spend a Sunday alone and went to pick up a friend to 'help her out'. One thing led to another and I found myself in the middle of a mobile goddess gathering. It was sublime. I have been missing the presence of feminine energy, the powerful knowingness of Divine Intuition, and the nurturing understanding of female Love.

I got little sleep, drank even less water, and didn't accomplish any of the tasks on my list. Yet I woke up this morning feeling like I might conquer the world today.

I started out yesterday thinking I was going to do a couple of friends a favor. I even thought to myself, "Today is community service day." Little did I know that I was the one that was going to receive the healing and service.

Last night I saw the lovely duality of our lives. There I sat. On one side I had one spontaneous, vibrant woman who hasn't washed her hair since midweek, lost her wallet and money in a city that is not her own, and who's sole purpose for living sat in the ownership of the Greyhound bus station until she can borrow $40 to get it out. On the other side I had another luminous, open-hearted woman with no vehicle, no permanent place of residency, and the abyss of the unknown looming before her.
And all I could see was the wondrous beauty, strength, and Love that these two women had brought to my day and the magnitude of their contribution to the world through their simple presence. As I dropped them off at their high end pilates and massage jobs, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself about the illusions that their very wealthy clients must see.

What a delight for me!

Walking into work today I felt much like the sky looked. The clouds hadn't yet cleared and there was a layer of thin mist covering the tops of the trees. But I could see the sun's silhouette and the promise of booming rays sat behind those clouds. I know that the nature of most human lives is to consistently come closer to What We Really Are. I can only hope that the vision and reality I have of these two radiant beauties can help them come closer to realizing it for themselves.

As for me, I am also looking at the horizon of the unknown and I'm perched on the edge of many choices, ready and poised for what comes next but also contemplating carefully what I would Love for that to feel like.

One thing I am certain of: All three of us will humbly and greatfully receive $2,500.00 in July from expected and unexpected sources NOW. This I know to be true.

Fogginess, AWAY!

Wow

The past few days I have become much more sensitive to windows of time that seem to allow access to more energy. This fact has entered my consciousness quite a few times recently and I am so eager to explore it more fully during the month of July when I have no plans. Right now it seems to be between 11pm and 2am and also between 5am and 8am. There is something that happens inside of me that reminds me that anythings possible and allows me access to more portals of creativity and Life.

Doing qigong tonight I 'saw' so many things! It's like our bodies are perfectly spinning systems of energy in every moment. The only thing that prevents them from functioning perfectly is our perception of them. If we think we are fucked up, we will be fucked up. It sounds so simple but very few people are conditioned by society to see the perfection that already exists in their body. We always look for what's wrong and then try to come up with our own way to fix it. But our bodies have a consciousness that is far beyond what we can ever recreate ourselves. In Deepak's book,Quantam Healing, he states this fact on almost every single page: there is something in the human body that is unfathomable and resists being measured that is the key ingredient in healing. That's why some forms of medicine work on some people and not on others. But while I was in relationship to my body tonight, with qigong as the mediator, I could completely see how every part of me wants to be existing on a beautifully healthy level ... if only I could let it.

And so this translates to my emotional life. I have been carrying around this belief of, 'I have so many issues in this and this area.' But what if I didn't? What if I played the 'what if' game every day? What if it were just easy and my emotional world was fluid and everytime a discomfort came up I could tell myself, 'Yes, you will work through this too with ease and grace.' What if?

One of my most beautiful and solid friends called me at the exact moment I was thinking of him today. He does this often and this is one of the many reasons why I Love him: he always follows his intuition. He is one of the pillars of strength that surrounds my world and I tell him often that he gives me hope in the male race.

I have a meditation where I stand in the middle of a circle that is made up of all of the men that I know and Love and have shared healing hugs with. It is many and the circle is wide. So whenever I feel scared to open my heart or the world hasn't been kind to me that day. I stand in the middle of this circle and turn very slowly so as to look at each and everyone of those faces to remind me of the Love and support that is available to me at any moment. I don't think any of these men know how they heal me when they're not even thinking about it. Occasionally I throw the goddesses in there too but there are other mediations and rituals for them ;)

Oh it is extraordinary to be human ... today. Tomorrow it might hurt. But if that is the case, I will take them both.

------------

It seems I am right back at a place I have been before. The possibility of something that could feel good with a grand chance that it could feel worse than anything thus far.

While growing up I believed whole heartedly in realms beyond this one and in the power of Love. I knew without a doubt that all that I felt was true and I was fearless in my ability to reach out, take chances, be crazy, and Love without limits.

Many things in the last couple of days have brought my attention to the fact that I may have misplaced that space within me recently. The mind can be a powerful thing and 'reality' is preached from so many different areas these days that one can never really know what that means. In Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike, Lance describes the moment when his chances looked the meakest and how most of the doctors, although willing to help, seemed anything but optimistic. He conveys his ability to hope, believe, and dream of a time where he beats cancer and survives everything that looks undoable in front of him. This was all he had to hold on to and the sole thing that kept him going. This is only one of the many prods from my present reality that is urging me to reconnect to that place where my deep desires are possible.

A movie I watched recently, Special, also showed me that I still have that place inside of me even if it hasn't been visited for a minute. Our minds are really the only thing creating our reality every day. What we choose to hold as 'reality' is ultimately up to us. I am everything I decide I am but not because I'm choosing that out of an infinite number of possibilities but because I know in my heart that is the truth.

My world doesn't seem cut and dried anymore and there is so much to focus on and so much to get lost in, it's important to keep a general direction in mind. I recently resurrected a few desires that have fallen asleep in the last year and maybe that is where I will start.

I have thrived on witnessing transformation, in myself and others. I live for this and it touches me in ways even connecting with other humans doesn't quite get to. I have let this passion wander away and meanwhile I am floundering around wondering what my reasons for all of it are. It makes so much sense. Once I pluck this particular desire from my dusty closet and set it back on my mantle to appreciate, embrace, and move closer to everyday my reasons will magically appear.

Writing .... I have also allowed that desire to go on hiatus. I see it slither around corners and under the fence post in my courtyard. Occassionally I can catch it and we have a moment but then once again it is off on it's own slithery journey. Someday that desire will live inside and maybe even sleep next to me once in awhile ....

Some stay, some go

A cousin commited suicide today. I have been there before. I have so many unorthodox feelings that I'm scared to talk about them to anyone.

For instance, if she doesn't want to be here why would someone stop her from leaving. Souls are pressing the emergency ejection button to leave this plane- consciously (through taking their own life) and unconsciously (through unexpected avenues) all the time. A book I am currently rereading talks about this exact thing- taking one's own life because it gets hard. Destiny of Souls, written by Michael Newton, Ph.d., talks about the spirit realm or the life in between lives. He is a hypnotherapist that does past life stuff but mostly collects information about life in between lives. While it is frowned upon to take your own life while in human form- only because it is such an honor and gift and not every nonphysical entity gets to have a body- it is not unrectifiable. Souls may go into incubation and even some healing while in energetic form but they can heal themselves from such a tramautic experience.

And at this very moment I can see all of my family members pulling for her at the hospital to make it through the night. The doctors say she won't. I may be the only one that is sending her the energetic message that if she wants to go, I will support her decision.

I was once ready to leave this realm and in fact even tried to go but something greater than me knew that I was needed for a longer period of time and I still had more stuff to work out. I'm glad there was some intervention because already the adversity has been worth it. I have often said I wish that I could have a 2 minute break from this human things and go into the spirit realm, just for a moment to remember. But if we could do that, it would make this whole thing superfluous. And in a way, we can do that- when we sleep, do qigong, meditate, take drugs, or whatever else might be 'our' thing. Sometimes the goodness of it is an illusion but sometimes it's not.

Tonight I will venture into the dream realm and connect with this cousin to let her know I support her decisions, whatever they may be and hope that others will do the same for me.