Shifting

"My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines...It may be outwardly silent here but in the back of my mind is a clamor of human voices, too many needs, hopes and fear. I hardly ever sit still without being haunted by the "undone"..."

May Sarton is one of my favorite authors. Not only because she mentions the aspect of going up to heaven and down to hell in the same breath but also because she was a master of solitude. I especially relate to the last part of what she says above and every time I let myself be swept away by many festivals or any particular one human, it is always slightly daunting to look towards the solitude and wonder if I still have a foundation there. Although I have made it my life's work to create a solid home within myself where only I exist and all of my needs and desires are taken care of by me, I find that it has always changed a bit after I go away to visit the world of companionship and then find my way back.

Just when I think I am certain about something in the Universe, the Universe proves me wrong. This aspect of my humanness forces me to stay in the present and fully appreciate what is occurring in this now.

This morning I feel like the Tool song that talks about 'no fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to blame the other, point the finger, let the temple topple over' The fog of the magical fearytale world I felt like I've been living in for the past week has cleared and the words that keep coming into my consciousness sound like an echoing 'temporary insanity'.

Being a Libra and having a personality that wants everything to be fair and forthright, my ability to see both sides is maddening right now. There's nothing to do when two people are right and valid ... except wait.

Ani DiFranco say, 'One of the things I've learned all these years on my own, is how to find my own way home.'
I feel this so intensely today. For this, I am greatful.

Unfamiliar Territory

I feel like this Osho card: Thunderbolt.  Everything is crashing down and being destroyed while the zen figure in the background watches everything.  The idea behind this card is that being shaken up and broken down makes room to rebuild something new.  The calm figure in the background knows this and watches with pleasure as the unnecessaries fall to the ground.

In the last week I have existed in an extremely uncomfortable space.  I feel out of control, powerless, and like my usual tactics of stepping back from a situation are absolutely useless.

I got a glimpse of it.  For a split second I understood why people go crazy for reasons that have nothing to do with logic.  I saw how whole civilizations were created, destroyed, or affected by this thing.  I still don't understand any of it.  I haven't even stepped inside; I have only sensed slight stirrings of it in the air that passes me by.  But even so, I finally get it.  I get why all 3 of my brothers will not hesitate to open their hearts, no matter how many times they have been ripped out.  I get why people have sacrificed jobs, family, and positions of power to follow this thing.

This thing .....

Right now all I can see is it's silhouette.  I can't see what it is, I can only see what space it takes up and the magnitude of it's intensity.  I can see how it's hovering around me, taunting me with it's alluring and risky promises.  I am aware that it's a place I've never really been in this lifetime and that if it's my time to go there now, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm not used to this place.  I have no control over what's happening inside of me.  All attempts at holding back how I am feeling are futile.  None of my logical and self-preserving tactics have any affect whatsoever.

I've been driving a lot lately.  It's one of the only things I can do right now that makes me feel in control.  This surrendering thing is so unfamiliar to me that it almost feels like I'm on another planet.

What compounds all of this is that the out-of-control-instigator magically knows what to do in any given freak out moment of mine.  It's like there is a psychic language happening between some part of me and some part of him and he has an affect over me that demands that I show up, not matter how I'm feeing about it.

Independence has been one of the main themes of my lifetime.  It has always come easy and every time I have slipped into interdependence, I have always strived to get back to that autonomous place.  Even so, I can feel myself being affected by something that is outside of me.  It feels like it's outside of me and at the same time, it is everything I am.

So now, I give up.  I give up control.  I give up fighting.  I'm learning to live inside of the discomfort and unfamiliarity.  I surrender into whatever is to come and whether that destroys me or exalts me, it matters not for this is me letting it be.

The darkness~

Every morning for a week I have been waking up to the Tool tracks whose lyrics I am posting below. I will do this every day until the anger is gone .....

Then healing can happen-

the grudge The Grudge

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

chism Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

Independence?

Today is July 4th.

It's a big deal pretty much everywhere I turn.

I'm not feelin it.

I'm now on my 4th day of no sugar (hehe July 4th/4th dayofnosugar) and in the middle of a 100 day gong and a mild herbal cleanse. Needless to say, I have a lot going on inside of me. I'm feeling a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, and the urge to clear my space, inside and out is now at the forefront of my consciousness.

I'm not excited about the constant flow of summer festivals, the relentless LA opportunities to go out dancing, or getting together with 500 other people to celebrate something or other. I'm feeling like I need to connect with my closest people one by one so I can take them in my embrace, look them in the eyes, and remember what is at the core of our connection.

Detoxing is always a strange and interesting thing. The unhealthy things inside of me are flowing out and through and I can distinguish what is really me and what isn't. This is physically and emotionally. I see my emotional patterns that have kept me in my own prison and sometimes I see why I have created them. There isn't a lot of judgment hanging around the edges since almost all dysfunction is some form of self-preservation and I am learning not to take my stuff personally.

The thing I have been noticing the most about the role that sugar has played in my life is the very convenient avenue to escapism. This makes me wonder what I'm trying to escape from? It also begs the question: What could be a healthy and beneficial path to escapism that could work for me NOW?

Going on top of a mountain has worked in the past. So has taking random, unplanned, leave-in-the-middle-of-the-night roadtrips that were a staple of my childhood. But today I may stay home, bypass all the crowds, and celebrate my own independence from sugar, crutches, and anything outside of me that I may have let determine my caliber of experience thus far.

Amen.

What's underneath-

I'm sad.

I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I was even more sad a minute ago until I realized that this is the first time that my boy sadness came from someone being honest with me. It's a change. And that part is comforting.

I'm on day 15 of my secret 100 day gong. I noticed today that my natural stance is more in line. That was fast.

I attended a good friend's hypnotist session to quit smoking. Although I didn't plan on it, I also got hypnotized to release sugar and caffeine. This is my first day with very little sugar. I was really angry the first half of the day and then a lot of tears came the second half.

I have to remember that my body is cleansing while I'm realizing that my latest crush isn't crushing on me back. It makes me not as sad.

It's such a different experience to actually feel my pain instead of quieting it with something. I could get used to it. There is some sort of relief in it.

Because my crushes and disappointments are so frequent, it seems like keeping the faith is hard. But today I'm remembering that progress is being made. Because at least this time I attracted someone into my space who was actually honest with me and considerate of my situation.

Trusting my feelings is hard to do. But I think it's even harder to pretend like I don't have them. My friend Heather told me it's possible to feel sad and sexy at the same time. I'm banking on that.

3 Goddesses and their light

I woke up this morning with two beautiful girls in my apartment and a calm, quiet content inside. Based on a friend's suggestion, I stepped out of my desire to spend a Sunday alone and went to pick up a friend to 'help her out'. One thing led to another and I found myself in the middle of a mobile goddess gathering. It was sublime. I have been missing the presence of feminine energy, the powerful knowingness of Divine Intuition, and the nurturing understanding of female Love.

I got little sleep, drank even less water, and didn't accomplish any of the tasks on my list. Yet I woke up this morning feeling like I might conquer the world today.

I started out yesterday thinking I was going to do a couple of friends a favor. I even thought to myself, "Today is community service day." Little did I know that I was the one that was going to receive the healing and service.

Last night I saw the lovely duality of our lives. There I sat. On one side I had one spontaneous, vibrant woman who hasn't washed her hair since midweek, lost her wallet and money in a city that is not her own, and who's sole purpose for living sat in the ownership of the Greyhound bus station until she can borrow $40 to get it out. On the other side I had another luminous, open-hearted woman with no vehicle, no permanent place of residency, and the abyss of the unknown looming before her.
And all I could see was the wondrous beauty, strength, and Love that these two women had brought to my day and the magnitude of their contribution to the world through their simple presence. As I dropped them off at their high end pilates and massage jobs, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself about the illusions that their very wealthy clients must see.

What a delight for me!

Walking into work today I felt much like the sky looked. The clouds hadn't yet cleared and there was a layer of thin mist covering the tops of the trees. But I could see the sun's silhouette and the promise of booming rays sat behind those clouds. I know that the nature of most human lives is to consistently come closer to What We Really Are. I can only hope that the vision and reality I have of these two radiant beauties can help them come closer to realizing it for themselves.

As for me, I am also looking at the horizon of the unknown and I'm perched on the edge of many choices, ready and poised for what comes next but also contemplating carefully what I would Love for that to feel like.

One thing I am certain of: All three of us will humbly and greatfully receive $2,500.00 in July from expected and unexpected sources NOW. This I know to be true.

Fogginess, AWAY!

Wow

The past few days I have become much more sensitive to windows of time that seem to allow access to more energy. This fact has entered my consciousness quite a few times recently and I am so eager to explore it more fully during the month of July when I have no plans. Right now it seems to be between 11pm and 2am and also between 5am and 8am. There is something that happens inside of me that reminds me that anythings possible and allows me access to more portals of creativity and Life.

Doing qigong tonight I 'saw' so many things! It's like our bodies are perfectly spinning systems of energy in every moment. The only thing that prevents them from functioning perfectly is our perception of them. If we think we are fucked up, we will be fucked up. It sounds so simple but very few people are conditioned by society to see the perfection that already exists in their body. We always look for what's wrong and then try to come up with our own way to fix it. But our bodies have a consciousness that is far beyond what we can ever recreate ourselves. In Deepak's book,Quantam Healing, he states this fact on almost every single page: there is something in the human body that is unfathomable and resists being measured that is the key ingredient in healing. That's why some forms of medicine work on some people and not on others. But while I was in relationship to my body tonight, with qigong as the mediator, I could completely see how every part of me wants to be existing on a beautifully healthy level ... if only I could let it.

And so this translates to my emotional life. I have been carrying around this belief of, 'I have so many issues in this and this area.' But what if I didn't? What if I played the 'what if' game every day? What if it were just easy and my emotional world was fluid and everytime a discomfort came up I could tell myself, 'Yes, you will work through this too with ease and grace.' What if?

One of my most beautiful and solid friends called me at the exact moment I was thinking of him today. He does this often and this is one of the many reasons why I Love him: he always follows his intuition. He is one of the pillars of strength that surrounds my world and I tell him often that he gives me hope in the male race.

I have a meditation where I stand in the middle of a circle that is made up of all of the men that I know and Love and have shared healing hugs with. It is many and the circle is wide. So whenever I feel scared to open my heart or the world hasn't been kind to me that day. I stand in the middle of this circle and turn very slowly so as to look at each and everyone of those faces to remind me of the Love and support that is available to me at any moment. I don't think any of these men know how they heal me when they're not even thinking about it. Occasionally I throw the goddesses in there too but there are other mediations and rituals for them ;)

Oh it is extraordinary to be human ... today. Tomorrow it might hurt. But if that is the case, I will take them both.