Shifting

"My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines...It may be outwardly silent here but in the back of my mind is a clamor of human voices, too many needs, hopes and fear. I hardly ever sit still without being haunted by the "undone"..."

May Sarton is one of my favorite authors. Not only because she mentions the aspect of going up to heaven and down to hell in the same breath but also because she was a master of solitude. I especially relate to the last part of what she says above and every time I let myself be swept away by many festivals or any particular one human, it is always slightly daunting to look towards the solitude and wonder if I still have a foundation there. Although I have made it my life's work to create a solid home within myself where only I exist and all of my needs and desires are taken care of by me, I find that it has always changed a bit after I go away to visit the world of companionship and then find my way back.

Just when I think I am certain about something in the Universe, the Universe proves me wrong. This aspect of my humanness forces me to stay in the present and fully appreciate what is occurring in this now.

This morning I feel like the Tool song that talks about 'no fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to blame the other, point the finger, let the temple topple over' The fog of the magical fearytale world I felt like I've been living in for the past week has cleared and the words that keep coming into my consciousness sound like an echoing 'temporary insanity'.

Being a Libra and having a personality that wants everything to be fair and forthright, my ability to see both sides is maddening right now. There's nothing to do when two people are right and valid ... except wait.

Ani DiFranco say, 'One of the things I've learned all these years on my own, is how to find my own way home.'
I feel this so intensely today. For this, I am greatful.