Unfamiliar Territory

I feel like this Osho card: Thunderbolt.  Everything is crashing down and being destroyed while the zen figure in the background watches everything.  The idea behind this card is that being shaken up and broken down makes room to rebuild something new.  The calm figure in the background knows this and watches with pleasure as the unnecessaries fall to the ground.

In the last week I have existed in an extremely uncomfortable space.  I feel out of control, powerless, and like my usual tactics of stepping back from a situation are absolutely useless.

I got a glimpse of it.  For a split second I understood why people go crazy for reasons that have nothing to do with logic.  I saw how whole civilizations were created, destroyed, or affected by this thing.  I still don't understand any of it.  I haven't even stepped inside; I have only sensed slight stirrings of it in the air that passes me by.  But even so, I finally get it.  I get why all 3 of my brothers will not hesitate to open their hearts, no matter how many times they have been ripped out.  I get why people have sacrificed jobs, family, and positions of power to follow this thing.

This thing .....

Right now all I can see is it's silhouette.  I can't see what it is, I can only see what space it takes up and the magnitude of it's intensity.  I can see how it's hovering around me, taunting me with it's alluring and risky promises.  I am aware that it's a place I've never really been in this lifetime and that if it's my time to go there now, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm not used to this place.  I have no control over what's happening inside of me.  All attempts at holding back how I am feeling are futile.  None of my logical and self-preserving tactics have any affect whatsoever.

I've been driving a lot lately.  It's one of the only things I can do right now that makes me feel in control.  This surrendering thing is so unfamiliar to me that it almost feels like I'm on another planet.

What compounds all of this is that the out-of-control-instigator magically knows what to do in any given freak out moment of mine.  It's like there is a psychic language happening between some part of me and some part of him and he has an affect over me that demands that I show up, not matter how I'm feeing about it.

Independence has been one of the main themes of my lifetime.  It has always come easy and every time I have slipped into interdependence, I have always strived to get back to that autonomous place.  Even so, I can feel myself being affected by something that is outside of me.  It feels like it's outside of me and at the same time, it is everything I am.

So now, I give up.  I give up control.  I give up fighting.  I'm learning to live inside of the discomfort and unfamiliarity.  I surrender into whatever is to come and whether that destroys me or exalts me, it matters not for this is me letting it be.