Fearless

I have always been called crazy, free-spirited, out-of-the-box.

I have never hesitated to begin something new, leave something that I've outgrown, or choose something different.  

Once again I am at a transition.  Many things are coming to an end, physically and energetically.  And I am sitting alone with myself, even more than normal, and really being with where I am.  I'm looking at what's changed since the last time I was at a place such as this, a fork in the road with infinite choices and possiblities .... stopping to take a rest and decide which path I really want to experience.  This place of limbo, no-thingness and eveything-ness, a portal of any and all possibilities and realities laying before me, is waiting patiently for me to take the first step on the next adventure.

This in betweenness can be highly uncomfortable sometimes, especially when so many emotional cycles hidden in my inner self are also coming to end.  It's a complete reorganization of priorities, releasing of ideas of who I thought I was, and acceptance of all of Who I Really Am .... it's like losing myself, only to find me again.  It feels like something I've done before .... on a smaller scale.

But I must enjoy these insane times of transistions on multiple planes because I create them often.  And sometimes I like to create them to be bumpy and chaotic and unsure ... probably because that can be more exciting.  But even as I acknowledge my love of crazy change and adventure, I am learning that sometimes the more corageous choice is the one where no movement happens.  Being brave can look a lot like being still.  Not all movement promotes the most growth.  I'm learning this and the fact that surrendering to the flow might be more in alignment with my next highest good than making sudden and drastic changes.

My wishes

I wish the random people who smile at me throughout my day knew how much of an impact their small gesture has on me.

I wish that I could find a man who resembles all three of my brothers, parts of my fathers, and many of my male friends.

I wish my current employer could know that I recognize her need for tenderness and know that I forgive and accept the only way she knows how to deal with people leaving.

I wish the spanish speaking people of the AA meeting that takes place most nights I drive home from work knew how inspired I was by the sight of their committment in a room.

I wish my brother knew the reason I am so strict with him is because I Love him.

I wish all my people could see themselves as I see them.

I wish I could release every one of my fears NOW as easily as I release people that no longer serve my highest good.

I wish that I had enough courage to tell the men I have been with how much they have all healed me.

I wish that my wish list was more than a list ....

A Day of Defeat

Sometimes it happens: everything goes wrong ... on every level of the day. Things happen at work, in the personal realm, out in the world in general.
I know irony is one of the Universe's ways of expressing itself because it peeks at me often. My irony at the moment- wanting so badly for so long to live alone, be completely independent, and not have to rely on anyone for anything so I can do what I want when I want. What comes along with that? Aloneness. At the end of a day of defeat, I am left with myself ... to pick me up, hold me, and remind me that All Things are temporary and everything will be okay. It seems that a strength and will to do that was cultivatedinside of me long before I was on my own but now is the time I see myself using it the most.

Forgetting and remembering is such a natural cycle of life. As natural as the dying plant that wilts into the ground, only to become part of the soil so as to return back into the world of living as a newer and more vibrant form.

I have forgotten that dance can cure anything. I have forgotten that I have soooo many people I can call on for anything I might need at any given moment. I have forgotten that all it takes to shift my state of mind is to become present in any moment and notice what is there. I have forgotten how wonderful tears can feel wandering down my face and pooling into the caves of my ears. I have forgotten that I can have, be, do anything that I want. I have forgotten how wonderful and amazing I am.

Yesterday I lay my head down in a mess of tears and defeat, knowing that I would wake up today in a new way. And I have.

Yesterday was a day of defeat.

Today is A Day of Success ... whatever I choose to make that look like.

When it goes gray

I have gray hair. It started coming in a few years ago but this year I'm choosing to allow it. To me it's a sign that I have made it this far (alive and still surly sometimes- a good thing) and that I must have some sort of knowledge base if my hair starts growing gray.

I'm 27 and I have gray hair.
What I have learned so far in my short time here on Earth:

-how to let my tears flow when they come

-listen ... even when no one is talking

-Love is more than a feeling

-my family is forever ... even when I wish it wasn't

-family is way more than blood and who grew up under your roof

-friends can be lost even if they are still alive

-no relationship is ever 'over' especially if the person is still alive

-chocolate covered coffee beans and champagne can be a lethal combination

-giving is much easier than receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-I have some work to do in the way of receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-one can never dance too much

-there is nothing that compares to the feeling of letting tears flow down your face, drop onto your clothing, and allowing the tear paths to dry without intervening

-Moms and Dads are forever

-everyone in a body possesses some sort of creativity

-following feelings is always the best way to go ... and sometimes the hardest

-don't date your neighbor .... or your co-worker's brother .... or a brother's friend ... except when they are really attractive

-one can never have too many brother's ... especially when you are a sister

-many things can be worked out inside one's head while driving ... especially if there is no destination

-when in doubt, say yes

-when in doubt about buying clothes, say no

-sex is like riding a bike, with the right one you never forget

-music is better than drugs

-being human is so worth it

-writing is always better than not writing

... and then there was some

I've been learning to recognize the beginning signs of depression. But not just recognize them, heed them as well. I'm learning that this is my body's way of letting me know something is out of balance. I've been seeing some of these signs the last couple of days. Southern California has just started to get cold and living by the beach has it's benefits but during the short Venice winter, it can be cloudy for mornings on end.

The past couple of days I have been reminding myself that it matters most for me to choose the good things for me especially when I feel bad. I have been doing that this week with my light box, eating good and warm food, and staying active. I was feeling more and more stagnant and disconnected from the world and my desires (these are my first clues that depression is on the horizon) .... until this morning.

At the beginning of my yoga class I really had to keep talking myself into it and pushing myself. It felt like the whole thing was about to be a lot of work ... that is until I felt something shift inside of me. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down my face and never stopped. At the beginning of the class one of my favorite teachers, Mary, asked us to choose something to dedicate our practice to. I chose myself. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have had a rough couple of months and I deserve some attention from myself. During the rest of the practice, as the tears continued to flow, I realized that they had been at the surface for quite some time but I had never properly acknowledged them. These salty tears told me I was wonderful and perfect and it would serve me if I were to take time out of my precious self made self-improvement program to recognize this and I would feel oh so much better. They told me that I am always unconditionally loved and I always have more love to give .... even when it seems hard. My wet friends told me that it's okay to let them visit me whenever I feel it and that when they come, no matter my perception, it is always the perfect time and place.

Today I was blessed with liquid messengers that dared me to grasp hold of my desires and ride them to the end, like I was riding my breathe to the riches of my inner emotions. They told me it was all going to be okay and even if I can't see the world evolving in every single moment of my existence, it matters not because I am the one who chooses what to focus on. They told me to take a risk and tell every single person I know exactly how I feel about them and see what happens. These little streams of deep nurturing and inner knowing showed me who and what I Really Am.

As we sat in lotus position at the end of our class and bowed to each other, Mary told us to choose what we are greatful for. I am greatful for my body, myself, and all of the many abilities and streams of experience I carry and will continue to uncover ... as an experiment to see that if I recognize my own amazingness in every moment, will it allow me to see exactly how amazing each moment really is?

The Process

Catharsis .... it sort of feels like.
Today I'm remembering that healing is always a transformation, no matter how small or large. I felt sad today. I thought a coffee would help.
It didn't.
I felt sad some more. I thought a Pinkberry would help. Although their new flavor, pomegranate, was delicious, it's comfort was fleeting.
I kept feeling sad. After a sugar and lime crepe, I realized that there probably wasn't anything that was going to make the sad feel better.
Can you be sad and sexy at the same time?
My friend Heather seems to think so. She commented on my energy today and reminded me that I am amazing. I haven't felt that way all day. I know feelings aren't always the truth and I have been getting better and better at appreciating my gift: being connected to the Divine and finding patterns and connections on earthly and Divine levels and feeling so comfortable to be in between it all. I didn't feel any of that today .....

I've been learning that it's almost impossible to feel sad when you are physically exhausted. It's hard to be lonely when you are busy. It's essential to nurture and support oneself, especially when it seems like more work to do it.

I'm learning all of this and more:
I'm not too fucked up to have something amazing.
All of my parts still work ;)
Having a connection with someone on all of the levels is possible for me and it will happen again.

And then there was nothing ....

This human thing completely baffles me sometimes ....

My trip to a magical realm, it seems, has run it's course for now. I'm not sure exactly what is happening but I think it has something to do with choosing out of fear rather than Love.
The other day my new, beautiful friend and I allowed our fears to overtake us on the same day. I was convinced that I would never talk to him again and he thought he was not capable of getting close to someone for the fear of loss was stronger than Love. We finally talked after my day of inner conflict, emotional turmoil about what could be, and my made up incapability of getting intimately close to anyone. When we both realized that we had our freakouts on the same day, I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I am on this planet to choose out of Love and allow my fears to flow by me like the non-physical phantoms that they are .... He said the same.

Then yesterday came- I'm still not sure what exactly happened but all I can get out of it is maybe it's too uncomfortable for him. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe it was just a matter of circumstance that I blew out of proportion because this is still so new to me.

Whatever the case, I know that I cannot continue to close myself and my heart. I must walk into the world today and choose to open, choose Love. No matter what feeling I have inside, it is my job to hold an open heart space for myself and the world so that each human can do the same, one at a time.

I know this beautiful friend that I am setting free will do the same ... I only wish it were with me. But maybe our experience planted a seed inside of him that can be watered in the days to come and when he is ready, the seed with sprout a flower and expose that to the world. If that is the case, it will be one of the most beautiful flowers on this planet. I know- I have smelled it.

I have already learned a lot and I am so greatful for every moment I got to see the magical realm for I know that's more real than anything else in my life. I will remind myself of that every day and know, deep in my soul, that if I continue to hold my ideals I will create a situation where deep Love rules the situation and I can explore my self on every level with another human. And this request I send out into the Universe so that the Universe shifts RIGHT NOW to accomodate my deepest yearnings.
~And So It Is~

I think I'm falling ....

Sometimes people come into our lives that make time seem irrelevant. It could be a friend, love, even family member. These people attune our whole being to the present moment and remind us of what is really important in the world. Being in their space is like being in one continuous magical moment that never ends ... and sometimes, as their essence slowly disseminates, it can sometimes seem like they never really existed. But any experience that remotely resembles what I just described is what being human is REALLY about.
I have been connecting with a human like this recently. He isn't sitting next to me and yet I feel his essence next to me. When he isn't around I have trouble remembering that he's real. Sometimes when we're laying together, I forget that we have bodies and that he's younger than me and I'm shorter than him. I forget that there is anything other than the two of us and, in those moments when any part of his skin is touching mine, I feel like the two of us just being there is healing the world.
This chemistry between two people is so rare and yet I'm managing to allow it it's freedom so as not to constrain it by grasping to tightly .... last night, on the embers of slumber, he thanked me for helping him become free .... I didn't know what he ment but I know that I have also granted my own freedom.
I have received this gift I have been asking for and it is even more grand than I imagined. I am here to say that in the past year and a half three of my major desires in life have been fulfilled and I am absolutely amazed. I am in awe at the magnitude of my feelings and the power of my desires and knowingness. I know this is only the beginning~

Hanging out with my Mom today~

The Human Race~ Pure Joy

The nature of Life

People die and people are born ..... the nature of life. My aunt died on my birthday. It was a whirl wind. Later in the day I felt honored to have her go on my day and felt her throughout the day and night. My conversation with my mom revealed her admiration of my faith in the Divine and the Universe and how she, especially in that moment, wished that she had that. I reminded her of her unending faith in human Love and how I have been working on that one for awhile now. I guess we are surrounded by the people whose stuff compliments our own.
A beautiful and amazing friend of mine reminded me that my aunt's death is an opportunity to create healings in the family area of my life .... I absolutely did not want to hear it and yet I knew it to be so true. It could be so easy to turn my back, sit 500 miles away, and pretend like none of it is happening .... but then, how would I be better for doing that??
I guess time and my series of decisions will tell what I decide to do in the end. But deep inside of myself I know the my strongest, lasting desire is to become more of Who I Really Am .... that means confronting my family lessons. Sometimes things can look so dark and dirty and yet turn out so sweet .....

I have been treating my body like a frustrated, unaware parent that just wants it to do what I want. I have realized that our body functions much like a dog: you can abuse it as much as you want and it is still loyal and true as much as it knows how. I am so ready to make amends with my body and take some body parenting classes so that I can learn how to treat it with care and listen to it's signs so that it can serve me as well as I would like it to. It is definitely a mutual relationship and that is the concept I am really working on integrating into my experience. But, not surprisingly, many of my friends already know this to be true and live this truth. This is the cycle of life: to learn it and use it .... then convey it when the opportunity presents itself.
I am glad to be alive today, although my body may be feeling differently today, I am determined to have it feel the same.

I'm gonna shake you off

Receiving feedback from someone that is hurtful is sort of like hearing someone you love has died. As first it doesn't seem real and in fact a lot of it doesn't even register. It doesn't even matter if the words are true or not; in fact it's pretty hard to distinguish between what's real, what's not, and what is part of your own reaction to the words ... there's definitely a lot of emotion swirling around- so much so that not a lot of things make sense, even in the outer world. Then you go through all of the emotions associated with loss: disbelief, anger, grief, etc. Then there is a settling in of exactly what has happened, who the person was to you, and what it means now to not have them in your life. And a little bit like a book, you excavate the truth out of the feedback and leave the rest. I haven't gotten to this last part yet. I know I will arrive there, although the when is uncertain.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.

The Reason Behind the reasons

Sometimes I forget exactly why I'm here. I get so caught up in the details, the physical, my health, that I turn inwards and miss the whole point of why I chose this human thing. I know my greatest purpose is always to hold more light, open myself to love, and attune the frequencies of this planet to greater love and therefore, greater god expression.
It's easy to forget that the whole reason why I absolutely demand that I carry the absolutely greatest level of health is to more efficiently facilitate these higher frequencies to come onto the planet. I often overlook that fact that my real motives for consistently addressing the fears that come up on a daily basis are to clear myself so that I can consciously ask light to fill me, my space, and everything around me.
This is why it's important for me not to retreat into myself. It is so easy to travel a solitary road but I understand that my work here is all about connecting with other humans and reminding them of what I am rediscovering all of the time. I aim to clearly call out to the ones that have decided it is time to stand up, claim our greatness, and move ourselves into the next phase of existence where we absolutely take accountability for everything in our space. This phase will also allow us to more deeply connect with each other so that we recreate the reality that we are all one, all connected, and everything I do for myself, I also do for you.
With all of these details in the default world, I can sometimes push aside that deepest yearning that calls out to me to pay my bills with gratitude, open my heart when another car cuts me off, and express honesty even when everyone around me is closed and hardened.
This softness and openness that sits patiently waiting for me to allow it's full expression in my external life is calling to me more and more in every moment. This is what I am at my deepest core and this is the number one motivation behind every human action - the clear and simple desire for Love.
I can choose that instead of all of the other possibilities. I can see peace instead of this. I can connect with openness. I am an active, creative being of Light and I can choose to see whatever I desire.
Today I choose Love.

To be or not to be .... Open

After this past week, I have even more confirmation of the importance of opening my heart. It doesn't matter if I feel sad, angry, betrayed, mislead, or any other emotion, one of my major missions on this planet is to continue the opening of my heart space and building my light body.
I'm realizing more and more that nothing that happens to me while in this body can ever harm my essence. This knowing makes me feel safe to open myself and my heart because the worst thing that can happen is I may experience some pain. It won't change who I am at my core. It won't mean the death of me or my emotions. It will mean that I could create ripples on this earth- ripples of heart openings that could cause all of us to open a little more before we act. It will mean that I can create a deeper experience of loving than I have experience in this lifetime. It will mean that I can connect more deeply with the humans that I love and allow them into my world on a deeper level.
The ironic thing is that when I am clenched so tightly closed from the inside out, I attract the people and situations that do energetically prey on fear and that violate human emotions. Anytime I have been completely open I have never once been taken advantage of, treated badly, or fulfilled any of the other fears I have about this issue.
I have done some major transformation in this area and my greatest hope is that with each decision I make to open myself and my heart space a little more, I will inspire other humans to do the same.
Maybe some day we will see that no matter what the status of the world or any one human might be, this is the most important act- being open, trusting, and loving enough to see a higher version of humanity and let go of our tendency to justify any kind of killing or demeaning act.

The Face of Allow

Every cell in my body wants to be balanced. I can feel that down to the center of every molecule, my being craves health. My world loves to be harmonious. My brain likes to be open and still. My energy yearns to be fluid and even. My heart's deepest desire is to be always open, trusting, accepting. The natural state of every part of me is balance, order, homeostasis. I may never know this if I hadn't let a little bit of allowance into my world.
A lot of the past couple of weeks I have noticed that the only thing blocking my natural way of goodness is me. I stand in the way of my highest expression. I fend off an innate sense of knowing, understanding, and movement toward Source.
There is a balance within this concept. My friend Pedro says, "Presence is Preliminary to Everything." He is very right. Just showing up for myself allows a lot of the growth I have already seen. But at the same time, it's a little like holding space for life's natural flow to happen. I do have to show up for change to happen but with awareness that my logical mind may not always know the best picture of what that can look like. Showing up, trusting that something greater always encompasses me, and watching miracles happen. Because that is our natural state of being.
So my intention for today is to settle into certainty and naturally flow into a focused point of intensity so that I may show up for myself, my highest good, and allow greater things than I can currently see to envelope my experience.
And So It Is.

Love or Loves?

"Never love two loves, baby. This kind of love is driving me crazy."
This is a line from an Orbital song. Since this track is so pretty, I've never really thought about what it might be referring to, until recently. Someone very close to me once had an affair and told me, "I don't know if it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time but if it is, I am."
It has been argued that humans are naturally monogamous creatures; that we are monogamous due to socialization, etc.
I don't believe that I've ever experienced jealousy until the last couple of years. That may have something to do with the fact that it's only been recently that I've been more invested in my relationships and that I have been more geographically settled.
The funny thing is, I have forged intimate relationships within the same time frame of each other and I have never once compared them. Each human interaction has been completely unique. I absolutely honor every person that I have shared intimate space with and have never lied to them or devalued our exchanges on any level.
After I did first experience some jealousy, I examined it carefully. After all, I had heard so much about it and was curious as to it's origins. I believe every situation to be unique but for me jealousy was a questioning of my self worth and some comparison of my own. I realized that if I felt like I could believe and trust the person I was feeling jealous about, the jealousy basically disappeared.
The Ethical Slut, a book about sex, intimacy, and basic human relations states that when we have feelings, they are always ours and it's our job to own them and work them out however we need to. If that means confronting the jealousy inspirer for support, mirroring, or anything else we might need, so be it. If jealousy can be used as an opportunity to expand, understand ourselves, and heal some fears, then it seems that having multiple loves could be not only something acceptable but something desired.
As for me and the application of these concepts to my actual life, I'm undecided and uninvolved. I'm open and unattached. I think if honesty, unconditional love, and truth came along, dressed as a human, I couldn't say no, no matter what the situation looked like.

When it all makes sense

May Sarton says, "We travel up to heaven and down to hell a 100 times a day." And if I had to describe the human experience to a non-human entity, that's exactly what I would say.
I'm ending this day with so many things making sense to me. But I definitely didn't start the day that way.
I had an amazing conversation with a cleaning woman who wakes up at 2 am most mornings to chant for peace on the planet. She says that she doesn't have much money or time but when she wakes up at two in the morning to chant for humans across the globe, she feels like she is doing something. I think it's working.
I reminded a child that she could heal herself through her hands. I thought that I was the one doing the reminding but I think she is the one who reminded me.
I had an intense conversation with a french woman who allowed me to examine how far I have come in this life and reactivated that challenging inclination I have to question ALL things.
I had a beautiful friend leave me such beautiful and heart softening words of gratitude on my voicemail that I couldn't keep the tears from coming if I wanted to.
We are all just an experiment here but there are these moments of knowing .... of remembering, of feeling like all is right and having that vision of clarity that nothing can touch.
I know I am a vessel. Nothing I 'own' is mine - not my time, emotions, stuff, energy, love, etc. It is all passing through me. That makes it all so different.
I am here to serve. Serving is this wondrous gem of infinite receiving that gives back so many more times than we can see.
If I am a vessel and I am here to serve, all I can do is allow.
I show up and magic happens. That's the ideal equation.
When that doesn't happen that's called me getting in my own way.
And when I get to end a night feeling this way, I thank Source, the Creator and all of Existence for allowing me this gift of traveling up to heaven and down to hell in such a way that I can never trade anything for the experience of this day.
Thank you.

The Moon in Full Bloom

I saw the moon today. . . in broad daylight. One of my favorite phenomenons of all times, I basked in the knowing that our Divine Essences are much like the moon. A lot of the time you can only see it in certain instances - when the sky is dark, right before dusk, right as the sun is rising - but there are so many times when you can also see it in the middle of the day. The key is to look.
I watched a dirty man with no shoes, a ridiculously long, grey beared, and plastic grocery bags in each hand walk across a crosswalk today. I could feel his deepest heart's yearning, the yearning that lives at the heart of all beings, to give and receive love; to have others know him as he really is - a Divine Spark of the Creator's intelligence. I could feel him. I could also feel the treachorous, bumpy, and long road he has traveled in this life so far. But in my heart, in that moment, the latter was far less of a feeling and impact than that deep longing that was radiating from his heart. I wondered if any other unknown observer had felt that same thing from him. I wondered if he was an angel crossing my path to remind me of what all humans are at their deepest core. I wondered if he had any inkling of my silent but sincere blessing aimed directly for his heart center.
We are all here. We are all human (well, most of us). We are all heartcore at the very deepest level. Where is the need for cursing an unknown driver? What purpose does it serve to send anger to the voice on the other end of a telemarketer call? Why is it important to make sure someone knows how much they have pissed you off in some way? Why do I see these things on such a regular basis?
I know that these answers will never come. What I do know is that I see the counterpart of these situations all around me. I see a genuine smile signaling that it's okay for me to enter traffic. I hear someone tell me that they understand my plight and will do everything in their power to assist me with it. I watch strangers exchange hello's on the street. These small but heart-sparking acts of kindness are the seeds of shifts that occur every day. I am not alone when I say that I know this to be true. And by me simply being the witness to these things, I am also assisting the shift that is happening in the heartiest place inside - the heart center. It was proven somewhere that a person who committed an act of kindness had an increase in their seratonin levels. In addition to that, the receiver of that act of kindness also showed a raise in the seratonin levels. Not only that. . . a witness to this act of kindness also showed increases in seratonin levels! How amazing is that!?? Do we want to cure depression? Do we want to affect everyone around us? Do we want to wake up the planet, ourselves, and establish the long-desired truth that is always available but rarely acknowledged? We are a part of one another. We are all the same. We are on this planet, together, right now, for a reason. Whatever anyone decides that is, really doesn't matter. What we decide to do with it will determine what evolutionary path we decide to take.
We're here. . . now, together. What are you gonna do about it?

Whoa now!

Is it possible to walk through your fears and look back only to catch them completely disseminating? I've created a situation that I haven't been in for quite some time. . . and now I know why. To be faced with the possibility that another human could come into my world, know me at least as intimately as I know myself, appreciate it, and cradle me in the most fortified quilt of love, kindness, acceptance, and honor absolutely freaks me out.
Being so clear and being in such a situation makes me realize that in the past I have told myself such good stories about why I don't couple with other humans, that I am a master deceiver! I had no idea how much fear I harbor in this area. It's a moment to moment thing of course because to encounter the fears any other way would make them much too unbearable. Do most humans walk around in this state? Or are they like my former self - pretending to be open and sharing of themselves, only through a filter to monitor what comes in and goes out? No holds barred here now though. I absolutely commit to being open, honest, and uncensored because then no matter what happens, at least I can say that I did that.
I can't remember ever being so stricken with such levels of fear! I am amazed! I think I may be addicted to this process though, strangely enough. I love the heightened emotions and adrenaline rush when I approach the fear, look it in the eye, and move through it anyway. I love coming out on the other side and looking back to see what a fallacy it was. I love feeling fuller, more loving, and an all-around larger version of who I really am.
I don't think this world is meant to live in safely. I don't think pain is supposed to be avoided. I don't think that our comfort zone is necessary. I'm here to say that a safe, pain-free, comfort zone is a mere ghost of what being alive is. THIS is life. This moment when I look at what I am scared of more than any other thing and do it anyway. This feeling of having almost lost my consciousness due the overwhelming fright of open, honest affection. This opportunity of allowing myself to fully open in order to invite someone in, with no attachments.
The best part about all of this is that fact that the outcome doesn't matter. It never matters. The only thing that matters is that any human, in any situation can stay completely present and do, express, be what they feel no matter what the mind or fear say. This is the perfect beauty, precious gift, and elegant juicyness of existing, here, in this body. . . NOW.

Can Love be too Infinite?

This journey that I've decided to embark on to open my heart has been absolutely fear-filled! I had no idea how much my actions were governed by fear until I made the conscious decision to live with an open heart. . . no matter what. After all, this is my natural state of being and the deepest desire of every being on this planet, so this is also one of the most impactful things I can do for not only myself but also the world.
Though this is accompanied by the obvious fears of being hurt, taken advantage of, and any invasive, abusive act happening through that heart space, I have recently watched other fears arise that are quite unexpected. The biggest one being my ability to fall in love with every human I meet. I have experienced this frequently enough to know that it is possible but rarely enough to think that it can only occur in a heightened state and that a portion of it is not real. . . based on the lack of residue. What I see now is that this is the way a heart-opened world would look. And the reason why the residual effects are not noticeable, is because every time it happens it scares me on such a level that I close down more intensely than before.
Isn't this my nature? Isn't this my blissful right? To unconditionally be in love with every human I meet. . . this is the effect of eternal compassion. This is the place that all of the great ancients occupied and spread throughout every interaction, word, and thought that they ever exuded. And here I sit. . . scared to death that this happens to me. I feel almost like this has been my absolute purpose and deepest desire for millenia and that this space, my inner space, is now conducive to support this phenomenon.
So today I will decidedly propagate these internal, natural rhythms of loving ecstacy, walk through my fears, and come out on the other side infinitely loving, radiating, and thoroughly basking in this experience of falling in love with everyone I meet.