What's underneath-

I'm sad.

I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I was even more sad a minute ago until I realized that this is the first time that my boy sadness came from someone being honest with me. It's a change. And that part is comforting.

I'm on day 15 of my secret 100 day gong. I noticed today that my natural stance is more in line. That was fast.

I attended a good friend's hypnotist session to quit smoking. Although I didn't plan on it, I also got hypnotized to release sugar and caffeine. This is my first day with very little sugar. I was really angry the first half of the day and then a lot of tears came the second half.

I have to remember that my body is cleansing while I'm realizing that my latest crush isn't crushing on me back. It makes me not as sad.

It's such a different experience to actually feel my pain instead of quieting it with something. I could get used to it. There is some sort of relief in it.

Because my crushes and disappointments are so frequent, it seems like keeping the faith is hard. But today I'm remembering that progress is being made. Because at least this time I attracted someone into my space who was actually honest with me and considerate of my situation.

Trusting my feelings is hard to do. But I think it's even harder to pretend like I don't have them. My friend Heather told me it's possible to feel sad and sexy at the same time. I'm banking on that.

3 Goddesses and their light

I woke up this morning with two beautiful girls in my apartment and a calm, quiet content inside. Based on a friend's suggestion, I stepped out of my desire to spend a Sunday alone and went to pick up a friend to 'help her out'. One thing led to another and I found myself in the middle of a mobile goddess gathering. It was sublime. I have been missing the presence of feminine energy, the powerful knowingness of Divine Intuition, and the nurturing understanding of female Love.

I got little sleep, drank even less water, and didn't accomplish any of the tasks on my list. Yet I woke up this morning feeling like I might conquer the world today.

I started out yesterday thinking I was going to do a couple of friends a favor. I even thought to myself, "Today is community service day." Little did I know that I was the one that was going to receive the healing and service.

Last night I saw the lovely duality of our lives. There I sat. On one side I had one spontaneous, vibrant woman who hasn't washed her hair since midweek, lost her wallet and money in a city that is not her own, and who's sole purpose for living sat in the ownership of the Greyhound bus station until she can borrow $40 to get it out. On the other side I had another luminous, open-hearted woman with no vehicle, no permanent place of residency, and the abyss of the unknown looming before her.
And all I could see was the wondrous beauty, strength, and Love that these two women had brought to my day and the magnitude of their contribution to the world through their simple presence. As I dropped them off at their high end pilates and massage jobs, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself about the illusions that their very wealthy clients must see.

What a delight for me!

Walking into work today I felt much like the sky looked. The clouds hadn't yet cleared and there was a layer of thin mist covering the tops of the trees. But I could see the sun's silhouette and the promise of booming rays sat behind those clouds. I know that the nature of most human lives is to consistently come closer to What We Really Are. I can only hope that the vision and reality I have of these two radiant beauties can help them come closer to realizing it for themselves.

As for me, I am also looking at the horizon of the unknown and I'm perched on the edge of many choices, ready and poised for what comes next but also contemplating carefully what I would Love for that to feel like.

One thing I am certain of: All three of us will humbly and greatfully receive $2,500.00 in July from expected and unexpected sources NOW. This I know to be true.

Fogginess, AWAY!

Wow

The past few days I have become much more sensitive to windows of time that seem to allow access to more energy. This fact has entered my consciousness quite a few times recently and I am so eager to explore it more fully during the month of July when I have no plans. Right now it seems to be between 11pm and 2am and also between 5am and 8am. There is something that happens inside of me that reminds me that anythings possible and allows me access to more portals of creativity and Life.

Doing qigong tonight I 'saw' so many things! It's like our bodies are perfectly spinning systems of energy in every moment. The only thing that prevents them from functioning perfectly is our perception of them. If we think we are fucked up, we will be fucked up. It sounds so simple but very few people are conditioned by society to see the perfection that already exists in their body. We always look for what's wrong and then try to come up with our own way to fix it. But our bodies have a consciousness that is far beyond what we can ever recreate ourselves. In Deepak's book,Quantam Healing, he states this fact on almost every single page: there is something in the human body that is unfathomable and resists being measured that is the key ingredient in healing. That's why some forms of medicine work on some people and not on others. But while I was in relationship to my body tonight, with qigong as the mediator, I could completely see how every part of me wants to be existing on a beautifully healthy level ... if only I could let it.

And so this translates to my emotional life. I have been carrying around this belief of, 'I have so many issues in this and this area.' But what if I didn't? What if I played the 'what if' game every day? What if it were just easy and my emotional world was fluid and everytime a discomfort came up I could tell myself, 'Yes, you will work through this too with ease and grace.' What if?

One of my most beautiful and solid friends called me at the exact moment I was thinking of him today. He does this often and this is one of the many reasons why I Love him: he always follows his intuition. He is one of the pillars of strength that surrounds my world and I tell him often that he gives me hope in the male race.

I have a meditation where I stand in the middle of a circle that is made up of all of the men that I know and Love and have shared healing hugs with. It is many and the circle is wide. So whenever I feel scared to open my heart or the world hasn't been kind to me that day. I stand in the middle of this circle and turn very slowly so as to look at each and everyone of those faces to remind me of the Love and support that is available to me at any moment. I don't think any of these men know how they heal me when they're not even thinking about it. Occasionally I throw the goddesses in there too but there are other mediations and rituals for them ;)

Oh it is extraordinary to be human ... today. Tomorrow it might hurt. But if that is the case, I will take them both.

------------

It seems I am right back at a place I have been before. The possibility of something that could feel good with a grand chance that it could feel worse than anything thus far.

While growing up I believed whole heartedly in realms beyond this one and in the power of Love. I knew without a doubt that all that I felt was true and I was fearless in my ability to reach out, take chances, be crazy, and Love without limits.

Many things in the last couple of days have brought my attention to the fact that I may have misplaced that space within me recently. The mind can be a powerful thing and 'reality' is preached from so many different areas these days that one can never really know what that means. In Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike, Lance describes the moment when his chances looked the meakest and how most of the doctors, although willing to help, seemed anything but optimistic. He conveys his ability to hope, believe, and dream of a time where he beats cancer and survives everything that looks undoable in front of him. This was all he had to hold on to and the sole thing that kept him going. This is only one of the many prods from my present reality that is urging me to reconnect to that place where my deep desires are possible.

A movie I watched recently, Special, also showed me that I still have that place inside of me even if it hasn't been visited for a minute. Our minds are really the only thing creating our reality every day. What we choose to hold as 'reality' is ultimately up to us. I am everything I decide I am but not because I'm choosing that out of an infinite number of possibilities but because I know in my heart that is the truth.

My world doesn't seem cut and dried anymore and there is so much to focus on and so much to get lost in, it's important to keep a general direction in mind. I recently resurrected a few desires that have fallen asleep in the last year and maybe that is where I will start.

I have thrived on witnessing transformation, in myself and others. I live for this and it touches me in ways even connecting with other humans doesn't quite get to. I have let this passion wander away and meanwhile I am floundering around wondering what my reasons for all of it are. It makes so much sense. Once I pluck this particular desire from my dusty closet and set it back on my mantle to appreciate, embrace, and move closer to everyday my reasons will magically appear.

Writing .... I have also allowed that desire to go on hiatus. I see it slither around corners and under the fence post in my courtyard. Occassionally I can catch it and we have a moment but then once again it is off on it's own slithery journey. Someday that desire will live inside and maybe even sleep next to me once in awhile ....

Some stay, some go

A cousin commited suicide today. I have been there before. I have so many unorthodox feelings that I'm scared to talk about them to anyone.

For instance, if she doesn't want to be here why would someone stop her from leaving. Souls are pressing the emergency ejection button to leave this plane- consciously (through taking their own life) and unconsciously (through unexpected avenues) all the time. A book I am currently rereading talks about this exact thing- taking one's own life because it gets hard. Destiny of Souls, written by Michael Newton, Ph.d., talks about the spirit realm or the life in between lives. He is a hypnotherapist that does past life stuff but mostly collects information about life in between lives. While it is frowned upon to take your own life while in human form- only because it is such an honor and gift and not every nonphysical entity gets to have a body- it is not unrectifiable. Souls may go into incubation and even some healing while in energetic form but they can heal themselves from such a tramautic experience.

And at this very moment I can see all of my family members pulling for her at the hospital to make it through the night. The doctors say she won't. I may be the only one that is sending her the energetic message that if she wants to go, I will support her decision.

I was once ready to leave this realm and in fact even tried to go but something greater than me knew that I was needed for a longer period of time and I still had more stuff to work out. I'm glad there was some intervention because already the adversity has been worth it. I have often said I wish that I could have a 2 minute break from this human things and go into the spirit realm, just for a moment to remember. But if we could do that, it would make this whole thing superfluous. And in a way, we can do that- when we sleep, do qigong, meditate, take drugs, or whatever else might be 'our' thing. Sometimes the goodness of it is an illusion but sometimes it's not.

Tonight I will venture into the dream realm and connect with this cousin to let her know I support her decisions, whatever they may be and hope that others will do the same for me.

It's all about the Light

It's always apparent when I enter the darkness because my writing tapers off. The words still come but I don't allow them an outlet to express themselves.

Recently I've taken small steps to let the light back in and I can feel myself getting more full of light every day. The last couple of weeks some energetic turning points have altered my whole state of being and left me with moments of clarity in their wake.

I reconnected with my healer. He has grown a lot and I can see it in his eyes and his touch and his presence.

This was the first major shifting point: qigong on the beach. Doing qigong on the beach with my original teacher reminded me of how much I have missed it. My cells have hungered for it like a creature in the desert hungers for water after months of travel. I have not listened to the cries and for that I am sorry. I remembered how much of an ever-changing experience it is and how clear things become for me. I know my consciousness has some sort of connection with All That Is and everything about me that I can't see. Doing qigong helps me to see and remember this. I was absolutely touched by this experience and Love that I get to rediscover something that has changed my life on such deep levels.

Afterwards my qigong teacher challenged me to immediately jump into a 100 day gong. I have now commited, inside myself, to do this 100 day gong and have only told one soul. But I know that already my Loved ones can feel it around me.

After qigong on the beach, my healer worked with me in a way that allowed me to feel switched on. It was like my body was just waiting for an avenue to open up again and allow energy and other things to start flowing. Although I still feel like I'm acclimating to adjustments from this healing, I know this is the second major thing that has caused All Of It to change.

The third thing is a few different events that have drawn my attention to the walls I have created around myself in the way of intimate relating with men. I have known this is something that is calling to be healed because it keeps rearing it's head. The most significant of these small events happened when I was driving to a forest adventure this last weekend. I was alone and I remember looking at the clock and thinking of how one of my dear friends was performing and how I was missing it. I started sending her energy and somewhere in the middle of that I began recalling memories of my childhood and teenagerhood. I remembered all of the broken hearts of my brothers and the healing processes they went through and my role in all of it. One thing led to another and tears started flowing. It was so intense, I could compare the energy moving to the healing session even up to the point that my face got numb and I had to fight to stay conscious through the pain. This went on for quite awhile until all of the emotion was released and I had I chance to reflect on what happened. I think it was a spontaneous healing and it happened while I was traveling through ley lines and shifting energy- so appropriate.

The fourth thing is my connection with another human. I am well aware that I have a thing for geniuses but sometimes I don't recognize one when I see one. This last weekend I reconnected with one that I didn't know that I knew and his presence has altered the way I now think about myself.

He is conscious, present, allowing, and accepting. All he did was show up and allow or connection to happen but for me, this reminded me of some dormant desires and that my energy is only closed if I let it be. There is so much consciousness in just his touch (when he is touching me and other things) that I am astounded.

Driving home from the forest gathering that was eight hours away, I got to process the experience. First lesson: next time I won't be so preoccupied with my issues that I won't allow myself to fully enjoy the experience. Second lesson: I will never again apologize for who or what I am in any given moment. Third lesson: I can have exactly what I want and in fact, I deserve it.

It is still an effort to let the light back in some days but June gloom is almost over in Southern California and when the clouds part, so will my darkness.

A Gift

"What is needed is not a change of circumstance, but a change of perception."

Someone really smart said that at some time, somewhere.  I haven't felt the meaning of that sentence so intensly for quite awhile .... until today.

Today a lovely friend reminded me that the second I get over how I'm feeling, I can start looking at other people's inner workings and appreciate how different we are.  Nothing is wrong unless I make it that way.  Every experience is an opportunity to appreciate myself and other people on a deeper level.

The other very insightful gift this friend gave me today: if I continue to close my heart the way I have been, people will continue to be a different version of themselves in my presence.  Energy naturally responds to energy.  I have seen this, and experienced this, over and over again.

Today I am set free by a few inspiring words from someone who is so not the average individual.  

Today I can finally see the gift in the disappearing act.

Today I can let it go.

Today I can accept ALL THINGS without judgement or shame.

Today is a new day and I am a more luminous, better version of myself on this day.

Today I have embraced The Gift.

Disappear

It happened again.  Another lover disappeared.  I've worked hard to choose ones that uphold integrity, honesty, communication.  I am so careful.  I screen, test, examine to make sure that THIS one won't just disappear.  

It happened again.

Silence is the worst kind of torture.  When someone yells in your face, at least you know what they think.  You know why.  There's no mystery. 

Silence.  What do I do with it?  I can make up any number of reasons why everything was cut off without warning.  But I can never really know.  With all of them, I have never really known.  Even the ones that have come back don't ever give me a straight answer.

I've gone to a lot of work to choose men who don't disappear.  And yet here I sit, in silence, with not a word to work with.

The good news: it's impossible to do anything but establish just a little bit more independence, strength, and knowing about who I am.

The sad news: I'm losing faith.  I had a gust of anxiety suddenly overtake me today in the middle of a store aisle.  I was frozen.  I didn't know what was happening until afterwards.  For a moment the numbness parted and the overwhelming fear was there.  Nothing else.  Only Fear.  I could feel how my heart walls are thicker than ever and I can't see any light through the seems.

The ironic thing: I am a disappearing act myself.  I have always had a tendency to disappear- with my friends, lovers, family.  I've worked even harder on this than on what kind of men I choose.  I've come a long way.  But even now, I sometimes unintentionally do it.  It happened just the other day and I was amazed.  In the middle of me wondering about the one who has disappeared from my life, someone was wondering why I had disappeared from theirs.

So I carry on.  Everything is connected.  And even now I know there is some sort of Divine Perfection inside all of it, especially if I can't see it.  I'm still unsure if this experience has opened my heart or caused it to close even more.  I guess I will know the next time I have the opportunity to enter into another risky scenario.  Without a doubt, I refuse to disappear.

When there are no words ....

And then I was here .... alone.  I know this is how we arrive and I know this is how we leave.  And yet, we are never truly alone for it is the illusion of being in a body that makes it appear so solitary. 

I turned off my phone for the first time in a long time tonight.  I turned it back on thirty minutes later to see if anything had happened.  It didn't.  I am leaving it off for a night.  I can't remember that last time I wasn't tied to my phone.  It was probably in August when I was camping and at Burning Man.  That wasn't the same as being available and choosing to be unavailable ... it's a different feeling.

I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to be doing more in the world.  The feeling was compounded yesterday when a dear friend called me and told me of the tears she shed when she watched a video about global warming and how much we aren't doing.  This nagging feeling is behind every silence, underneath every hug, and in between every word I speak.  It's like no matter what I do or think, it seems like I could be doing or thinking so much more.  

The Guides say that it would serve me to connect with someone so intimately and deeply that I could feel like I needed them.  This prospect sends stabbing swords of fear through every part of me.  I have never felt like I needed someone, not even with my family.  I have missed them and longed for them but I have always known that I can do it alone ... and will.  It seems I am at a threshhold where I may be letting somebody or some bodies in ... I don't like it and there is a soft whisper inside my mind saying, 'Run the other way as fast as you can ... '

I wan't to clear it all out- my apartment, my life, my head.  I wan't to rid everything of the minutia and clutter that keeps me from my deepest feelings and grandest fulfillments.  I want to throw everything away and start again.  I want to take a deep, long rest and emerge with new thought and a broader way of seeing.  I want to disappear and come back as a lighter and clearer version of me. 

So the question remains: What am I waiting for?

When it's business-

In this moment, I feel so full and sure of myself.  In this moment, nothing can touch me.

I know who I am.  I know what I'm made of.  And I know that today was another day that helped me realize more of Who I Really Am.

I wake up and look myself in the mirror every morning and I can smile at myself because I know that my choices and I have laid together in harmony.

I know that today I made a difference for  someone somewhere.  I know that the goodness I feel and the beauty I see mean something.

Not too long ago I lost my faith in humanity.  It was a dark moment in my existence.  I knew that it was a turning point and something had to shift because a faith like the kind I carried doesn't just float away.  It gets blasted away by something fierce ... or some things fierce

I asked for help.

Slowly my faith was restored by small acts done by unknowing humans all around me.  If all of those people knew what they had done for me on a much larger scale, I think the world could blossom like my heart right now.

Today I realized fully that my faith is only carried by me.  I am the one that mirrors existence to me.  I choose what to see and what to reflect.  I decide what I bring to the world everyday and how I create my day.  Me.  I do that.

I am free and it's because of all the choices I have made.  I have always been free and will continue to be free.  Sometimes I like to forget and create illusionary boundaries of ways that I am not fully free.  But I always come back to this moment: the moment when I remember that I am exactly where I am because of me.  I did this.

Today I love where I'm at and I wouldn't trade all the experiences of this day for anything else in the world.  Today some business took place around me and even though it looked like it had everything to do with me, it had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I am a symbol for everything going on around me.  And so I keep my reflection clean, clear, and full of Love because whatever people see through the mirror of me, I want it to be as clear as it possibly can be.

Today I lived, and the world is better for it.

My Dream~

Once upon a time there was a girl.  Although she was born with a fearlessly open heart, years on earth took their toll and painted her heart shut.  Even so, she surrounded herself with open hearted people, thought open hearted thoughts, and wrote open hearted words.  

None of her open hearted activities brought her relief from her open heart painted shut.  So with sorrow, she resolved to live the best life she could with an open heart painted shut.

One day, many years later, she had a dream.  She dreamt that she had an open heart painted shut.  As she started peeling the layers of paint away, she noticed her own fears in each layer of paint.  She peeled and peeled and looked all of her fears in the eye as she handed each one off to the wind.

When she awoke from the dream, she realized her heart was no longer painted shut.  She rejoiced in her fully open heart and showed it to everyone she came across.  As more and more people met her, they too started to slowly peel away their layers of paint and fear.  One day, the entire world had peeled away their layers of paint and fear and were celebrating with their fully radiant open hearts.

Freedom

I am free.  I have always been free but today I feel it.  Yesterday I realized it.  And in the coming days, my choices will reflect that freedom instead of the self-imposed limitation that I have created in the past.

I am the one creating my experience moment by moment.  And on this day, it is time to start creating the things that are more in alignment with what I know, with who I AM.

Today I feel light.  I feel like everything I need resides inside of me.  I feel like I have every answer that I desire and all the people walking alongside my path are affirmations of this fact.

I feel like Source surrounds every aspect of my reality and my Guides are laughing with me and watching what my next move will be, like a compassionate mother watching her young child in the playground.

So today, with this lightness, I will dare to dream about my ideal reality and how that will make me feel.  I will hold my highest hopes in a container of possiblity and gaze upon it as thought it is all happening NOW.  

I will compliment and nurture myself and treat myself like a good friend I haven't seen for a while .... and listen to myself.

I will connect with all my people and remind them of why they are important to me.  I will dare to reconnect with my deepest dreams and pursue what I know I am here for, no matter what people around me say.

Today I will .....

Fearless

I have always been called crazy, free-spirited, out-of-the-box.

I have never hesitated to begin something new, leave something that I've outgrown, or choose something different.  

Once again I am at a transition.  Many things are coming to an end, physically and energetically.  And I am sitting alone with myself, even more than normal, and really being with where I am.  I'm looking at what's changed since the last time I was at a place such as this, a fork in the road with infinite choices and possiblities .... stopping to take a rest and decide which path I really want to experience.  This place of limbo, no-thingness and eveything-ness, a portal of any and all possibilities and realities laying before me, is waiting patiently for me to take the first step on the next adventure.

This in betweenness can be highly uncomfortable sometimes, especially when so many emotional cycles hidden in my inner self are also coming to end.  It's a complete reorganization of priorities, releasing of ideas of who I thought I was, and acceptance of all of Who I Really Am .... it's like losing myself, only to find me again.  It feels like something I've done before .... on a smaller scale.

But I must enjoy these insane times of transistions on multiple planes because I create them often.  And sometimes I like to create them to be bumpy and chaotic and unsure ... probably because that can be more exciting.  But even as I acknowledge my love of crazy change and adventure, I am learning that sometimes the more corageous choice is the one where no movement happens.  Being brave can look a lot like being still.  Not all movement promotes the most growth.  I'm learning this and the fact that surrendering to the flow might be more in alignment with my next highest good than making sudden and drastic changes.

My wishes

I wish the random people who smile at me throughout my day knew how much of an impact their small gesture has on me.

I wish that I could find a man who resembles all three of my brothers, parts of my fathers, and many of my male friends.

I wish my current employer could know that I recognize her need for tenderness and know that I forgive and accept the only way she knows how to deal with people leaving.

I wish the spanish speaking people of the AA meeting that takes place most nights I drive home from work knew how inspired I was by the sight of their committment in a room.

I wish my brother knew the reason I am so strict with him is because I Love him.

I wish all my people could see themselves as I see them.

I wish I could release every one of my fears NOW as easily as I release people that no longer serve my highest good.

I wish that I had enough courage to tell the men I have been with how much they have all healed me.

I wish that my wish list was more than a list ....

A Day of Defeat

Sometimes it happens: everything goes wrong ... on every level of the day. Things happen at work, in the personal realm, out in the world in general.
I know irony is one of the Universe's ways of expressing itself because it peeks at me often. My irony at the moment- wanting so badly for so long to live alone, be completely independent, and not have to rely on anyone for anything so I can do what I want when I want. What comes along with that? Aloneness. At the end of a day of defeat, I am left with myself ... to pick me up, hold me, and remind me that All Things are temporary and everything will be okay. It seems that a strength and will to do that was cultivatedinside of me long before I was on my own but now is the time I see myself using it the most.

Forgetting and remembering is such a natural cycle of life. As natural as the dying plant that wilts into the ground, only to become part of the soil so as to return back into the world of living as a newer and more vibrant form.

I have forgotten that dance can cure anything. I have forgotten that I have soooo many people I can call on for anything I might need at any given moment. I have forgotten that all it takes to shift my state of mind is to become present in any moment and notice what is there. I have forgotten how wonderful tears can feel wandering down my face and pooling into the caves of my ears. I have forgotten that I can have, be, do anything that I want. I have forgotten how wonderful and amazing I am.

Yesterday I lay my head down in a mess of tears and defeat, knowing that I would wake up today in a new way. And I have.

Yesterday was a day of defeat.

Today is A Day of Success ... whatever I choose to make that look like.

When it goes gray

I have gray hair. It started coming in a few years ago but this year I'm choosing to allow it. To me it's a sign that I have made it this far (alive and still surly sometimes- a good thing) and that I must have some sort of knowledge base if my hair starts growing gray.

I'm 27 and I have gray hair.
What I have learned so far in my short time here on Earth:

-how to let my tears flow when they come

-listen ... even when no one is talking

-Love is more than a feeling

-my family is forever ... even when I wish it wasn't

-family is way more than blood and who grew up under your roof

-friends can be lost even if they are still alive

-no relationship is ever 'over' especially if the person is still alive

-chocolate covered coffee beans and champagne can be a lethal combination

-giving is much easier than receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-I have some work to do in the way of receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-one can never dance too much

-there is nothing that compares to the feeling of letting tears flow down your face, drop onto your clothing, and allowing the tear paths to dry without intervening

-Moms and Dads are forever

-everyone in a body possesses some sort of creativity

-following feelings is always the best way to go ... and sometimes the hardest

-don't date your neighbor .... or your co-worker's brother .... or a brother's friend ... except when they are really attractive

-one can never have too many brother's ... especially when you are a sister

-many things can be worked out inside one's head while driving ... especially if there is no destination

-when in doubt, say yes

-when in doubt about buying clothes, say no

-sex is like riding a bike, with the right one you never forget

-music is better than drugs

-being human is so worth it

-writing is always better than not writing

... and then there was some

I've been learning to recognize the beginning signs of depression. But not just recognize them, heed them as well. I'm learning that this is my body's way of letting me know something is out of balance. I've been seeing some of these signs the last couple of days. Southern California has just started to get cold and living by the beach has it's benefits but during the short Venice winter, it can be cloudy for mornings on end.

The past couple of days I have been reminding myself that it matters most for me to choose the good things for me especially when I feel bad. I have been doing that this week with my light box, eating good and warm food, and staying active. I was feeling more and more stagnant and disconnected from the world and my desires (these are my first clues that depression is on the horizon) .... until this morning.

At the beginning of my yoga class I really had to keep talking myself into it and pushing myself. It felt like the whole thing was about to be a lot of work ... that is until I felt something shift inside of me. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down my face and never stopped. At the beginning of the class one of my favorite teachers, Mary, asked us to choose something to dedicate our practice to. I chose myself. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have had a rough couple of months and I deserve some attention from myself. During the rest of the practice, as the tears continued to flow, I realized that they had been at the surface for quite some time but I had never properly acknowledged them. These salty tears told me I was wonderful and perfect and it would serve me if I were to take time out of my precious self made self-improvement program to recognize this and I would feel oh so much better. They told me that I am always unconditionally loved and I always have more love to give .... even when it seems hard. My wet friends told me that it's okay to let them visit me whenever I feel it and that when they come, no matter my perception, it is always the perfect time and place.

Today I was blessed with liquid messengers that dared me to grasp hold of my desires and ride them to the end, like I was riding my breathe to the riches of my inner emotions. They told me it was all going to be okay and even if I can't see the world evolving in every single moment of my existence, it matters not because I am the one who chooses what to focus on. They told me to take a risk and tell every single person I know exactly how I feel about them and see what happens. These little streams of deep nurturing and inner knowing showed me who and what I Really Am.

As we sat in lotus position at the end of our class and bowed to each other, Mary told us to choose what we are greatful for. I am greatful for my body, myself, and all of the many abilities and streams of experience I carry and will continue to uncover ... as an experiment to see that if I recognize my own amazingness in every moment, will it allow me to see exactly how amazing each moment really is?

The Process

Catharsis .... it sort of feels like.
Today I'm remembering that healing is always a transformation, no matter how small or large. I felt sad today. I thought a coffee would help.
It didn't.
I felt sad some more. I thought a Pinkberry would help. Although their new flavor, pomegranate, was delicious, it's comfort was fleeting.
I kept feeling sad. After a sugar and lime crepe, I realized that there probably wasn't anything that was going to make the sad feel better.
Can you be sad and sexy at the same time?
My friend Heather seems to think so. She commented on my energy today and reminded me that I am amazing. I haven't felt that way all day. I know feelings aren't always the truth and I have been getting better and better at appreciating my gift: being connected to the Divine and finding patterns and connections on earthly and Divine levels and feeling so comfortable to be in between it all. I didn't feel any of that today .....

I've been learning that it's almost impossible to feel sad when you are physically exhausted. It's hard to be lonely when you are busy. It's essential to nurture and support oneself, especially when it seems like more work to do it.

I'm learning all of this and more:
I'm not too fucked up to have something amazing.
All of my parts still work ;)
Having a connection with someone on all of the levels is possible for me and it will happen again.

And then there was nothing ....

This human thing completely baffles me sometimes ....

My trip to a magical realm, it seems, has run it's course for now. I'm not sure exactly what is happening but I think it has something to do with choosing out of fear rather than Love.
The other day my new, beautiful friend and I allowed our fears to overtake us on the same day. I was convinced that I would never talk to him again and he thought he was not capable of getting close to someone for the fear of loss was stronger than Love. We finally talked after my day of inner conflict, emotional turmoil about what could be, and my made up incapability of getting intimately close to anyone. When we both realized that we had our freakouts on the same day, I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I am on this planet to choose out of Love and allow my fears to flow by me like the non-physical phantoms that they are .... He said the same.

Then yesterday came- I'm still not sure what exactly happened but all I can get out of it is maybe it's too uncomfortable for him. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe it was just a matter of circumstance that I blew out of proportion because this is still so new to me.

Whatever the case, I know that I cannot continue to close myself and my heart. I must walk into the world today and choose to open, choose Love. No matter what feeling I have inside, it is my job to hold an open heart space for myself and the world so that each human can do the same, one at a time.

I know this beautiful friend that I am setting free will do the same ... I only wish it were with me. But maybe our experience planted a seed inside of him that can be watered in the days to come and when he is ready, the seed with sprout a flower and expose that to the world. If that is the case, it will be one of the most beautiful flowers on this planet. I know- I have smelled it.

I have already learned a lot and I am so greatful for every moment I got to see the magical realm for I know that's more real than anything else in my life. I will remind myself of that every day and know, deep in my soul, that if I continue to hold my ideals I will create a situation where deep Love rules the situation and I can explore my self on every level with another human. And this request I send out into the Universe so that the Universe shifts RIGHT NOW to accomodate my deepest yearnings.
~And So It Is~

I think I'm falling ....

Sometimes people come into our lives that make time seem irrelevant. It could be a friend, love, even family member. These people attune our whole being to the present moment and remind us of what is really important in the world. Being in their space is like being in one continuous magical moment that never ends ... and sometimes, as their essence slowly disseminates, it can sometimes seem like they never really existed. But any experience that remotely resembles what I just described is what being human is REALLY about.
I have been connecting with a human like this recently. He isn't sitting next to me and yet I feel his essence next to me. When he isn't around I have trouble remembering that he's real. Sometimes when we're laying together, I forget that we have bodies and that he's younger than me and I'm shorter than him. I forget that there is anything other than the two of us and, in those moments when any part of his skin is touching mine, I feel like the two of us just being there is healing the world.
This chemistry between two people is so rare and yet I'm managing to allow it it's freedom so as not to constrain it by grasping to tightly .... last night, on the embers of slumber, he thanked me for helping him become free .... I didn't know what he ment but I know that I have also granted my own freedom.
I have received this gift I have been asking for and it is even more grand than I imagined. I am here to say that in the past year and a half three of my major desires in life have been fulfilled and I am absolutely amazed. I am in awe at the magnitude of my feelings and the power of my desires and knowingness. I know this is only the beginning~