Recently I've taken small steps to let the light back in and I can feel myself getting more full of light every day. The last couple of weeks some energetic turning points have altered my whole state of being and left me with moments of clarity in their wake.
I reconnected with my healer. He has grown a lot and I can see it in his eyes and his touch and his presence.
This was the first major shifting point: qigong on the beach. Doing qigong on the beach with my original teacher reminded me of how much I have missed it. My cells have hungered for it like a creature in the desert hungers for water after months of travel. I have not listened to the cries and for that I am sorry. I remembered how much of an ever-changing experience it is and how clear things become for me. I know my consciousness has some sort of connection with All That Is and everything about me that I can't see. Doing qigong helps me to see and remember this. I was absolutely touched by this experience and Love that I get to rediscover something that has changed my life on such deep levels.
Afterwards my qigong teacher challenged me to immediately jump into a 100 day gong. I have now commited, inside myself, to do this 100 day gong and have only told one soul. But I know that already my Loved ones can feel it around me.
After qigong on the beach, my healer worked with me in a way that allowed me to feel switched on. It was like my body was just waiting for an avenue to open up again and allow energy and other things to start flowing. Although I still feel like I'm acclimating to adjustments from this healing, I know this is the second major thing that has caused All Of It to change.
The third thing is a few different events that have drawn my attention to the walls I have created around myself in the way of intimate relating with men. I have known this is something that is calling to be healed because it keeps rearing it's head. The most significant of these small events happened when I was driving to a forest adventure this last weekend. I was alone and I remember looking at the clock and thinking of how one of my dear friends was performing and how I was missing it. I started sending her energy and somewhere in the middle of that I began recalling memories of my childhood and teenagerhood. I remembered all of the broken hearts of my brothers and the healing processes they went through and my role in all of it. One thing led to another and tears started flowing. It was so intense, I could compare the energy moving to the healing session even up to the point that my face got numb and I had to fight to stay conscious through the pain. This went on for quite awhile until all of the emotion was released and I had I chance to reflect on what happened. I think it was a spontaneous healing and it happened while I was traveling through ley lines and shifting energy- so appropriate.
The fourth thing is my connection with another human. I am well aware that I have a thing for geniuses but sometimes I don't recognize one when I see one. This last weekend I reconnected with one that I didn't know that I knew and his presence has altered the way I now think about myself.
He is conscious, present, allowing, and accepting. All he did was show up and allow or connection to happen but for me, this reminded me of some dormant desires and that my energy is only closed if I let it be. There is so much consciousness in just his touch (when he is touching me and other things) that I am astounded.
Driving home from the forest gathering that was eight hours away, I got to process the experience. First lesson: next time I won't be so preoccupied with my issues that I won't allow myself to fully enjoy the experience. Second lesson: I will never again apologize for who or what I am in any given moment. Third lesson: I can have exactly what I want and in fact, I deserve it.
It is still an effort to let the light back in some days but June gloom is almost over in Southern California and when the clouds part, so will my darkness.
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