Thursday, April 23, 2009

When there are no words ....

And then I was here .... alone.  I know this is how we arrive and I know this is how we leave.  And yet, we are never truly alone for it is the illusion of being in a body that makes it appear so solitary. 

I turned off my phone for the first time in a long time tonight.  I turned it back on thirty minutes later to see if anything had happened.  It didn't.  I am leaving it off for a night.  I can't remember that last time I wasn't tied to my phone.  It was probably in August when I was camping and at Burning Man.  That wasn't the same as being available and choosing to be unavailable ... it's a different feeling.

I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to be doing more in the world.  The feeling was compounded yesterday when a dear friend called me and told me of the tears she shed when she watched a video about global warming and how much we aren't doing.  This nagging feeling is behind every silence, underneath every hug, and in between every word I speak.  It's like no matter what I do or think, it seems like I could be doing or thinking so much more.  

The Guides say that it would serve me to connect with someone so intimately and deeply that I could feel like I needed them.  This prospect sends stabbing swords of fear through every part of me.  I have never felt like I needed someone, not even with my family.  I have missed them and longed for them but I have always known that I can do it alone ... and will.  It seems I am at a threshhold where I may be letting somebody or some bodies in ... I don't like it and there is a soft whisper inside my mind saying, 'Run the other way as fast as you can ... '

I wan't to clear it all out- my apartment, my life, my head.  I wan't to rid everything of the minutia and clutter that keeps me from my deepest feelings and grandest fulfillments.  I want to throw everything away and start again.  I want to take a deep, long rest and emerge with new thought and a broader way of seeing.  I want to disappear and come back as a lighter and clearer version of me. 

So the question remains: What am I waiting for?

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