Disappear

It happened again.  Another lover disappeared.  I've worked hard to choose ones that uphold integrity, honesty, communication.  I am so careful.  I screen, test, examine to make sure that THIS one won't just disappear.  

It happened again.

Silence is the worst kind of torture.  When someone yells in your face, at least you know what they think.  You know why.  There's no mystery. 

Silence.  What do I do with it?  I can make up any number of reasons why everything was cut off without warning.  But I can never really know.  With all of them, I have never really known.  Even the ones that have come back don't ever give me a straight answer.

I've gone to a lot of work to choose men who don't disappear.  And yet here I sit, in silence, with not a word to work with.

The good news: it's impossible to do anything but establish just a little bit more independence, strength, and knowing about who I am.

The sad news: I'm losing faith.  I had a gust of anxiety suddenly overtake me today in the middle of a store aisle.  I was frozen.  I didn't know what was happening until afterwards.  For a moment the numbness parted and the overwhelming fear was there.  Nothing else.  Only Fear.  I could feel how my heart walls are thicker than ever and I can't see any light through the seems.

The ironic thing: I am a disappearing act myself.  I have always had a tendency to disappear- with my friends, lovers, family.  I've worked even harder on this than on what kind of men I choose.  I've come a long way.  But even now, I sometimes unintentionally do it.  It happened just the other day and I was amazed.  In the middle of me wondering about the one who has disappeared from my life, someone was wondering why I had disappeared from theirs.

So I carry on.  Everything is connected.  And even now I know there is some sort of Divine Perfection inside all of it, especially if I can't see it.  I'm still unsure if this experience has opened my heart or caused it to close even more.  I guess I will know the next time I have the opportunity to enter into another risky scenario.  Without a doubt, I refuse to disappear.