... and then there was some

I've been learning to recognize the beginning signs of depression. But not just recognize them, heed them as well. I'm learning that this is my body's way of letting me know something is out of balance. I've been seeing some of these signs the last couple of days. Southern California has just started to get cold and living by the beach has it's benefits but during the short Venice winter, it can be cloudy for mornings on end.

The past couple of days I have been reminding myself that it matters most for me to choose the good things for me especially when I feel bad. I have been doing that this week with my light box, eating good and warm food, and staying active. I was feeling more and more stagnant and disconnected from the world and my desires (these are my first clues that depression is on the horizon) .... until this morning.

At the beginning of my yoga class I really had to keep talking myself into it and pushing myself. It felt like the whole thing was about to be a lot of work ... that is until I felt something shift inside of me. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down my face and never stopped. At the beginning of the class one of my favorite teachers, Mary, asked us to choose something to dedicate our practice to. I chose myself. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have had a rough couple of months and I deserve some attention from myself. During the rest of the practice, as the tears continued to flow, I realized that they had been at the surface for quite some time but I had never properly acknowledged them. These salty tears told me I was wonderful and perfect and it would serve me if I were to take time out of my precious self made self-improvement program to recognize this and I would feel oh so much better. They told me that I am always unconditionally loved and I always have more love to give .... even when it seems hard. My wet friends told me that it's okay to let them visit me whenever I feel it and that when they come, no matter my perception, it is always the perfect time and place.

Today I was blessed with liquid messengers that dared me to grasp hold of my desires and ride them to the end, like I was riding my breathe to the riches of my inner emotions. They told me it was all going to be okay and even if I can't see the world evolving in every single moment of my existence, it matters not because I am the one who chooses what to focus on. They told me to take a risk and tell every single person I know exactly how I feel about them and see what happens. These little streams of deep nurturing and inner knowing showed me who and what I Really Am.

As we sat in lotus position at the end of our class and bowed to each other, Mary told us to choose what we are greatful for. I am greatful for my body, myself, and all of the many abilities and streams of experience I carry and will continue to uncover ... as an experiment to see that if I recognize my own amazingness in every moment, will it allow me to see exactly how amazing each moment really is?

The Process

Catharsis .... it sort of feels like.
Today I'm remembering that healing is always a transformation, no matter how small or large. I felt sad today. I thought a coffee would help.
It didn't.
I felt sad some more. I thought a Pinkberry would help. Although their new flavor, pomegranate, was delicious, it's comfort was fleeting.
I kept feeling sad. After a sugar and lime crepe, I realized that there probably wasn't anything that was going to make the sad feel better.
Can you be sad and sexy at the same time?
My friend Heather seems to think so. She commented on my energy today and reminded me that I am amazing. I haven't felt that way all day. I know feelings aren't always the truth and I have been getting better and better at appreciating my gift: being connected to the Divine and finding patterns and connections on earthly and Divine levels and feeling so comfortable to be in between it all. I didn't feel any of that today .....

I've been learning that it's almost impossible to feel sad when you are physically exhausted. It's hard to be lonely when you are busy. It's essential to nurture and support oneself, especially when it seems like more work to do it.

I'm learning all of this and more:
I'm not too fucked up to have something amazing.
All of my parts still work ;)
Having a connection with someone on all of the levels is possible for me and it will happen again.

And then there was nothing ....

This human thing completely baffles me sometimes ....

My trip to a magical realm, it seems, has run it's course for now. I'm not sure exactly what is happening but I think it has something to do with choosing out of fear rather than Love.
The other day my new, beautiful friend and I allowed our fears to overtake us on the same day. I was convinced that I would never talk to him again and he thought he was not capable of getting close to someone for the fear of loss was stronger than Love. We finally talked after my day of inner conflict, emotional turmoil about what could be, and my made up incapability of getting intimately close to anyone. When we both realized that we had our freakouts on the same day, I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I am on this planet to choose out of Love and allow my fears to flow by me like the non-physical phantoms that they are .... He said the same.

Then yesterday came- I'm still not sure what exactly happened but all I can get out of it is maybe it's too uncomfortable for him. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe it was just a matter of circumstance that I blew out of proportion because this is still so new to me.

Whatever the case, I know that I cannot continue to close myself and my heart. I must walk into the world today and choose to open, choose Love. No matter what feeling I have inside, it is my job to hold an open heart space for myself and the world so that each human can do the same, one at a time.

I know this beautiful friend that I am setting free will do the same ... I only wish it were with me. But maybe our experience planted a seed inside of him that can be watered in the days to come and when he is ready, the seed with sprout a flower and expose that to the world. If that is the case, it will be one of the most beautiful flowers on this planet. I know- I have smelled it.

I have already learned a lot and I am so greatful for every moment I got to see the magical realm for I know that's more real than anything else in my life. I will remind myself of that every day and know, deep in my soul, that if I continue to hold my ideals I will create a situation where deep Love rules the situation and I can explore my self on every level with another human. And this request I send out into the Universe so that the Universe shifts RIGHT NOW to accomodate my deepest yearnings.
~And So It Is~

I think I'm falling ....

Sometimes people come into our lives that make time seem irrelevant. It could be a friend, love, even family member. These people attune our whole being to the present moment and remind us of what is really important in the world. Being in their space is like being in one continuous magical moment that never ends ... and sometimes, as their essence slowly disseminates, it can sometimes seem like they never really existed. But any experience that remotely resembles what I just described is what being human is REALLY about.
I have been connecting with a human like this recently. He isn't sitting next to me and yet I feel his essence next to me. When he isn't around I have trouble remembering that he's real. Sometimes when we're laying together, I forget that we have bodies and that he's younger than me and I'm shorter than him. I forget that there is anything other than the two of us and, in those moments when any part of his skin is touching mine, I feel like the two of us just being there is healing the world.
This chemistry between two people is so rare and yet I'm managing to allow it it's freedom so as not to constrain it by grasping to tightly .... last night, on the embers of slumber, he thanked me for helping him become free .... I didn't know what he ment but I know that I have also granted my own freedom.
I have received this gift I have been asking for and it is even more grand than I imagined. I am here to say that in the past year and a half three of my major desires in life have been fulfilled and I am absolutely amazed. I am in awe at the magnitude of my feelings and the power of my desires and knowingness. I know this is only the beginning~

Hanging out with my Mom today~

The Human Race~ Pure Joy

The nature of Life

People die and people are born ..... the nature of life. My aunt died on my birthday. It was a whirl wind. Later in the day I felt honored to have her go on my day and felt her throughout the day and night. My conversation with my mom revealed her admiration of my faith in the Divine and the Universe and how she, especially in that moment, wished that she had that. I reminded her of her unending faith in human Love and how I have been working on that one for awhile now. I guess we are surrounded by the people whose stuff compliments our own.
A beautiful and amazing friend of mine reminded me that my aunt's death is an opportunity to create healings in the family area of my life .... I absolutely did not want to hear it and yet I knew it to be so true. It could be so easy to turn my back, sit 500 miles away, and pretend like none of it is happening .... but then, how would I be better for doing that??
I guess time and my series of decisions will tell what I decide to do in the end. But deep inside of myself I know the my strongest, lasting desire is to become more of Who I Really Am .... that means confronting my family lessons. Sometimes things can look so dark and dirty and yet turn out so sweet .....

I have been treating my body like a frustrated, unaware parent that just wants it to do what I want. I have realized that our body functions much like a dog: you can abuse it as much as you want and it is still loyal and true as much as it knows how. I am so ready to make amends with my body and take some body parenting classes so that I can learn how to treat it with care and listen to it's signs so that it can serve me as well as I would like it to. It is definitely a mutual relationship and that is the concept I am really working on integrating into my experience. But, not surprisingly, many of my friends already know this to be true and live this truth. This is the cycle of life: to learn it and use it .... then convey it when the opportunity presents itself.
I am glad to be alive today, although my body may be feeling differently today, I am determined to have it feel the same.

I'm gonna shake you off

Receiving feedback from someone that is hurtful is sort of like hearing someone you love has died. As first it doesn't seem real and in fact a lot of it doesn't even register. It doesn't even matter if the words are true or not; in fact it's pretty hard to distinguish between what's real, what's not, and what is part of your own reaction to the words ... there's definitely a lot of emotion swirling around- so much so that not a lot of things make sense, even in the outer world. Then you go through all of the emotions associated with loss: disbelief, anger, grief, etc. Then there is a settling in of exactly what has happened, who the person was to you, and what it means now to not have them in your life. And a little bit like a book, you excavate the truth out of the feedback and leave the rest. I haven't gotten to this last part yet. I know I will arrive there, although the when is uncertain.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.

The Reason Behind the reasons

Sometimes I forget exactly why I'm here. I get so caught up in the details, the physical, my health, that I turn inwards and miss the whole point of why I chose this human thing. I know my greatest purpose is always to hold more light, open myself to love, and attune the frequencies of this planet to greater love and therefore, greater god expression.
It's easy to forget that the whole reason why I absolutely demand that I carry the absolutely greatest level of health is to more efficiently facilitate these higher frequencies to come onto the planet. I often overlook that fact that my real motives for consistently addressing the fears that come up on a daily basis are to clear myself so that I can consciously ask light to fill me, my space, and everything around me.
This is why it's important for me not to retreat into myself. It is so easy to travel a solitary road but I understand that my work here is all about connecting with other humans and reminding them of what I am rediscovering all of the time. I aim to clearly call out to the ones that have decided it is time to stand up, claim our greatness, and move ourselves into the next phase of existence where we absolutely take accountability for everything in our space. This phase will also allow us to more deeply connect with each other so that we recreate the reality that we are all one, all connected, and everything I do for myself, I also do for you.
With all of these details in the default world, I can sometimes push aside that deepest yearning that calls out to me to pay my bills with gratitude, open my heart when another car cuts me off, and express honesty even when everyone around me is closed and hardened.
This softness and openness that sits patiently waiting for me to allow it's full expression in my external life is calling to me more and more in every moment. This is what I am at my deepest core and this is the number one motivation behind every human action - the clear and simple desire for Love.
I can choose that instead of all of the other possibilities. I can see peace instead of this. I can connect with openness. I am an active, creative being of Light and I can choose to see whatever I desire.
Today I choose Love.

To be or not to be .... Open

After this past week, I have even more confirmation of the importance of opening my heart. It doesn't matter if I feel sad, angry, betrayed, mislead, or any other emotion, one of my major missions on this planet is to continue the opening of my heart space and building my light body.
I'm realizing more and more that nothing that happens to me while in this body can ever harm my essence. This knowing makes me feel safe to open myself and my heart because the worst thing that can happen is I may experience some pain. It won't change who I am at my core. It won't mean the death of me or my emotions. It will mean that I could create ripples on this earth- ripples of heart openings that could cause all of us to open a little more before we act. It will mean that I can create a deeper experience of loving than I have experience in this lifetime. It will mean that I can connect more deeply with the humans that I love and allow them into my world on a deeper level.
The ironic thing is that when I am clenched so tightly closed from the inside out, I attract the people and situations that do energetically prey on fear and that violate human emotions. Anytime I have been completely open I have never once been taken advantage of, treated badly, or fulfilled any of the other fears I have about this issue.
I have done some major transformation in this area and my greatest hope is that with each decision I make to open myself and my heart space a little more, I will inspire other humans to do the same.
Maybe some day we will see that no matter what the status of the world or any one human might be, this is the most important act- being open, trusting, and loving enough to see a higher version of humanity and let go of our tendency to justify any kind of killing or demeaning act.

The Face of Allow

Every cell in my body wants to be balanced. I can feel that down to the center of every molecule, my being craves health. My world loves to be harmonious. My brain likes to be open and still. My energy yearns to be fluid and even. My heart's deepest desire is to be always open, trusting, accepting. The natural state of every part of me is balance, order, homeostasis. I may never know this if I hadn't let a little bit of allowance into my world.
A lot of the past couple of weeks I have noticed that the only thing blocking my natural way of goodness is me. I stand in the way of my highest expression. I fend off an innate sense of knowing, understanding, and movement toward Source.
There is a balance within this concept. My friend Pedro says, "Presence is Preliminary to Everything." He is very right. Just showing up for myself allows a lot of the growth I have already seen. But at the same time, it's a little like holding space for life's natural flow to happen. I do have to show up for change to happen but with awareness that my logical mind may not always know the best picture of what that can look like. Showing up, trusting that something greater always encompasses me, and watching miracles happen. Because that is our natural state of being.
So my intention for today is to settle into certainty and naturally flow into a focused point of intensity so that I may show up for myself, my highest good, and allow greater things than I can currently see to envelope my experience.
And So It Is.

Love or Loves?

"Never love two loves, baby. This kind of love is driving me crazy."
This is a line from an Orbital song. Since this track is so pretty, I've never really thought about what it might be referring to, until recently. Someone very close to me once had an affair and told me, "I don't know if it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time but if it is, I am."
It has been argued that humans are naturally monogamous creatures; that we are monogamous due to socialization, etc.
I don't believe that I've ever experienced jealousy until the last couple of years. That may have something to do with the fact that it's only been recently that I've been more invested in my relationships and that I have been more geographically settled.
The funny thing is, I have forged intimate relationships within the same time frame of each other and I have never once compared them. Each human interaction has been completely unique. I absolutely honor every person that I have shared intimate space with and have never lied to them or devalued our exchanges on any level.
After I did first experience some jealousy, I examined it carefully. After all, I had heard so much about it and was curious as to it's origins. I believe every situation to be unique but for me jealousy was a questioning of my self worth and some comparison of my own. I realized that if I felt like I could believe and trust the person I was feeling jealous about, the jealousy basically disappeared.
The Ethical Slut, a book about sex, intimacy, and basic human relations states that when we have feelings, they are always ours and it's our job to own them and work them out however we need to. If that means confronting the jealousy inspirer for support, mirroring, or anything else we might need, so be it. If jealousy can be used as an opportunity to expand, understand ourselves, and heal some fears, then it seems that having multiple loves could be not only something acceptable but something desired.
As for me and the application of these concepts to my actual life, I'm undecided and uninvolved. I'm open and unattached. I think if honesty, unconditional love, and truth came along, dressed as a human, I couldn't say no, no matter what the situation looked like.