I'm gonna shake you off

Receiving feedback from someone that is hurtful is sort of like hearing someone you love has died. As first it doesn't seem real and in fact a lot of it doesn't even register. It doesn't even matter if the words are true or not; in fact it's pretty hard to distinguish between what's real, what's not, and what is part of your own reaction to the words ... there's definitely a lot of emotion swirling around- so much so that not a lot of things make sense, even in the outer world. Then you go through all of the emotions associated with loss: disbelief, anger, grief, etc. Then there is a settling in of exactly what has happened, who the person was to you, and what it means now to not have them in your life. And a little bit like a book, you excavate the truth out of the feedback and leave the rest. I haven't gotten to this last part yet. I know I will arrive there, although the when is uncertain.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.