Is it possible to walk through your fears and look back only to catch them completely disseminating? I've created a situation that I haven't been in for quite some time. . . and now I know why. To be faced with the possibility that another human could come into my world, know me at least as intimately as I know myself, appreciate it, and cradle me in the most fortified quilt of love, kindness, acceptance, and honor absolutely freaks me out.
Being so clear and being in such a situation makes me realize that in the past I have told myself such good stories about why I don't couple with other humans, that I am a master deceiver! I had no idea how much fear I harbor in this area. It's a moment to moment thing of course because to encounter the fears any other way would make them much too unbearable. Do most humans walk around in this state? Or are they like my former self - pretending to be open and sharing of themselves, only through a filter to monitor what comes in and goes out? No holds barred here now though. I absolutely commit to being open, honest, and uncensored because then no matter what happens, at least I can say that I did that.
I can't remember ever being so stricken with such levels of fear! I am amazed! I think I may be addicted to this process though, strangely enough. I love the heightened emotions and adrenaline rush when I approach the fear, look it in the eye, and move through it anyway. I love coming out on the other side and looking back to see what a fallacy it was. I love feeling fuller, more loving, and an all-around larger version of who I really am.
I don't think this world is meant to live in safely. I don't think pain is supposed to be avoided. I don't think that our comfort zone is necessary. I'm here to say that a safe, pain-free, comfort zone is a mere ghost of what being alive is. THIS is life. This moment when I look at what I am scared of more than any other thing and do it anyway. This feeling of having almost lost my consciousness due the overwhelming fright of open, honest affection. This opportunity of allowing myself to fully open in order to invite someone in, with no attachments.
The best part about all of this is that fact that the outcome doesn't matter. It never matters. The only thing that matters is that any human, in any situation can stay completely present and do, express, be what they feel no matter what the mind or fear say. This is the perfect beauty, precious gift, and elegant juicyness of existing, here, in this body. . . NOW.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Can Love be too Infinite?
This journey that I've decided to embark on to open my heart has been absolutely fear-filled! I had no idea how much my actions were governed by fear until I made the conscious decision to live with an open heart. . . no matter what. After all, this is my natural state of being and the deepest desire of every being on this planet, so this is also one of the most impactful things I can do for not only myself but also the world.
Though this is accompanied by the obvious fears of being hurt, taken advantage of, and any invasive, abusive act happening through that heart space, I have recently watched other fears arise that are quite unexpected. The biggest one being my ability to fall in love with every human I meet. I have experienced this frequently enough to know that it is possible but rarely enough to think that it can only occur in a heightened state and that a portion of it is not real. . . based on the lack of residue. What I see now is that this is the way a heart-opened world would look. And the reason why the residual effects are not noticeable, is because every time it happens it scares me on such a level that I close down more intensely than before.
Isn't this my nature? Isn't this my blissful right? To unconditionally be in love with every human I meet. . . this is the effect of eternal compassion. This is the place that all of the great ancients occupied and spread throughout every interaction, word, and thought that they ever exuded. And here I sit. . . scared to death that this happens to me. I feel almost like this has been my absolute purpose and deepest desire for millenia and that this space, my inner space, is now conducive to support this phenomenon.
So today I will decidedly propagate these internal, natural rhythms of loving ecstacy, walk through my fears, and come out on the other side infinitely loving, radiating, and thoroughly basking in this experience of falling in love with everyone I meet.
Though this is accompanied by the obvious fears of being hurt, taken advantage of, and any invasive, abusive act happening through that heart space, I have recently watched other fears arise that are quite unexpected. The biggest one being my ability to fall in love with every human I meet. I have experienced this frequently enough to know that it is possible but rarely enough to think that it can only occur in a heightened state and that a portion of it is not real. . . based on the lack of residue. What I see now is that this is the way a heart-opened world would look. And the reason why the residual effects are not noticeable, is because every time it happens it scares me on such a level that I close down more intensely than before.
Isn't this my nature? Isn't this my blissful right? To unconditionally be in love with every human I meet. . . this is the effect of eternal compassion. This is the place that all of the great ancients occupied and spread throughout every interaction, word, and thought that they ever exuded. And here I sit. . . scared to death that this happens to me. I feel almost like this has been my absolute purpose and deepest desire for millenia and that this space, my inner space, is now conducive to support this phenomenon.
So today I will decidedly propagate these internal, natural rhythms of loving ecstacy, walk through my fears, and come out on the other side infinitely loving, radiating, and thoroughly basking in this experience of falling in love with everyone I meet.
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