The Process

Catharsis .... it sort of feels like.
Today I'm remembering that healing is always a transformation, no matter how small or large. I felt sad today. I thought a coffee would help.
It didn't.
I felt sad some more. I thought a Pinkberry would help. Although their new flavor, pomegranate, was delicious, it's comfort was fleeting.
I kept feeling sad. After a sugar and lime crepe, I realized that there probably wasn't anything that was going to make the sad feel better.
Can you be sad and sexy at the same time?
My friend Heather seems to think so. She commented on my energy today and reminded me that I am amazing. I haven't felt that way all day. I know feelings aren't always the truth and I have been getting better and better at appreciating my gift: being connected to the Divine and finding patterns and connections on earthly and Divine levels and feeling so comfortable to be in between it all. I didn't feel any of that today .....

I've been learning that it's almost impossible to feel sad when you are physically exhausted. It's hard to be lonely when you are busy. It's essential to nurture and support oneself, especially when it seems like more work to do it.

I'm learning all of this and more:
I'm not too fucked up to have something amazing.
All of my parts still work ;)
Having a connection with someone on all of the levels is possible for me and it will happen again.

And then there was nothing ....

This human thing completely baffles me sometimes ....

My trip to a magical realm, it seems, has run it's course for now. I'm not sure exactly what is happening but I think it has something to do with choosing out of fear rather than Love.
The other day my new, beautiful friend and I allowed our fears to overtake us on the same day. I was convinced that I would never talk to him again and he thought he was not capable of getting close to someone for the fear of loss was stronger than Love. We finally talked after my day of inner conflict, emotional turmoil about what could be, and my made up incapability of getting intimately close to anyone. When we both realized that we had our freakouts on the same day, I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I am on this planet to choose out of Love and allow my fears to flow by me like the non-physical phantoms that they are .... He said the same.

Then yesterday came- I'm still not sure what exactly happened but all I can get out of it is maybe it's too uncomfortable for him. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe it was just a matter of circumstance that I blew out of proportion because this is still so new to me.

Whatever the case, I know that I cannot continue to close myself and my heart. I must walk into the world today and choose to open, choose Love. No matter what feeling I have inside, it is my job to hold an open heart space for myself and the world so that each human can do the same, one at a time.

I know this beautiful friend that I am setting free will do the same ... I only wish it were with me. But maybe our experience planted a seed inside of him that can be watered in the days to come and when he is ready, the seed with sprout a flower and expose that to the world. If that is the case, it will be one of the most beautiful flowers on this planet. I know- I have smelled it.

I have already learned a lot and I am so greatful for every moment I got to see the magical realm for I know that's more real than anything else in my life. I will remind myself of that every day and know, deep in my soul, that if I continue to hold my ideals I will create a situation where deep Love rules the situation and I can explore my self on every level with another human. And this request I send out into the Universe so that the Universe shifts RIGHT NOW to accomodate my deepest yearnings.
~And So It Is~

I think I'm falling ....

Sometimes people come into our lives that make time seem irrelevant. It could be a friend, love, even family member. These people attune our whole being to the present moment and remind us of what is really important in the world. Being in their space is like being in one continuous magical moment that never ends ... and sometimes, as their essence slowly disseminates, it can sometimes seem like they never really existed. But any experience that remotely resembles what I just described is what being human is REALLY about.
I have been connecting with a human like this recently. He isn't sitting next to me and yet I feel his essence next to me. When he isn't around I have trouble remembering that he's real. Sometimes when we're laying together, I forget that we have bodies and that he's younger than me and I'm shorter than him. I forget that there is anything other than the two of us and, in those moments when any part of his skin is touching mine, I feel like the two of us just being there is healing the world.
This chemistry between two people is so rare and yet I'm managing to allow it it's freedom so as not to constrain it by grasping to tightly .... last night, on the embers of slumber, he thanked me for helping him become free .... I didn't know what he ment but I know that I have also granted my own freedom.
I have received this gift I have been asking for and it is even more grand than I imagined. I am here to say that in the past year and a half three of my major desires in life have been fulfilled and I am absolutely amazed. I am in awe at the magnitude of my feelings and the power of my desires and knowingness. I know this is only the beginning~