Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The nature of Life
People die and people are born ..... the nature of life. My aunt died on my birthday. It was a whirl wind. Later in the day I felt honored to have her go on my day and felt her throughout the day and night. My conversation with my mom revealed her admiration of my faith in the Divine and the Universe and how she, especially in that moment, wished that she had that. I reminded her of her unending faith in human Love and how I have been working on that one for awhile now. I guess we are surrounded by the people whose stuff compliments our own.
A beautiful and amazing friend of mine reminded me that my aunt's death is an opportunity to create healings in the family area of my life .... I absolutely did not want to hear it and yet I knew it to be so true. It could be so easy to turn my back, sit 500 miles away, and pretend like none of it is happening .... but then, how would I be better for doing that??
I guess time and my series of decisions will tell what I decide to do in the end. But deep inside of myself I know the my strongest, lasting desire is to become more of Who I Really Am .... that means confronting my family lessons. Sometimes things can look so dark and dirty and yet turn out so sweet .....
I have been treating my body like a frustrated, unaware parent that just wants it to do what I want. I have realized that our body functions much like a dog: you can abuse it as much as you want and it is still loyal and true as much as it knows how. I am so ready to make amends with my body and take some body parenting classes so that I can learn how to treat it with care and listen to it's signs so that it can serve me as well as I would like it to. It is definitely a mutual relationship and that is the concept I am really working on integrating into my experience. But, not surprisingly, many of my friends already know this to be true and live this truth. This is the cycle of life: to learn it and use it .... then convey it when the opportunity presents itself.
I am glad to be alive today, although my body may be feeling differently today, I am determined to have it feel the same.
A beautiful and amazing friend of mine reminded me that my aunt's death is an opportunity to create healings in the family area of my life .... I absolutely did not want to hear it and yet I knew it to be so true. It could be so easy to turn my back, sit 500 miles away, and pretend like none of it is happening .... but then, how would I be better for doing that??
I guess time and my series of decisions will tell what I decide to do in the end. But deep inside of myself I know the my strongest, lasting desire is to become more of Who I Really Am .... that means confronting my family lessons. Sometimes things can look so dark and dirty and yet turn out so sweet .....
I have been treating my body like a frustrated, unaware parent that just wants it to do what I want. I have realized that our body functions much like a dog: you can abuse it as much as you want and it is still loyal and true as much as it knows how. I am so ready to make amends with my body and take some body parenting classes so that I can learn how to treat it with care and listen to it's signs so that it can serve me as well as I would like it to. It is definitely a mutual relationship and that is the concept I am really working on integrating into my experience. But, not surprisingly, many of my friends already know this to be true and live this truth. This is the cycle of life: to learn it and use it .... then convey it when the opportunity presents itself.
I am glad to be alive today, although my body may be feeling differently today, I am determined to have it feel the same.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm gonna shake you off
Receiving feedback from someone that is hurtful is sort of like hearing someone you love has died. As first it doesn't seem real and in fact a lot of it doesn't even register. It doesn't even matter if the words are true or not; in fact it's pretty hard to distinguish between what's real, what's not, and what is part of your own reaction to the words ... there's definitely a lot of emotion swirling around- so much so that not a lot of things make sense, even in the outer world. Then you go through all of the emotions associated with loss: disbelief, anger, grief, etc. Then there is a settling in of exactly what has happened, who the person was to you, and what it means now to not have them in your life. And a little bit like a book, you excavate the truth out of the feedback and leave the rest. I haven't gotten to this last part yet. I know I will arrive there, although the when is uncertain.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.
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