Sometimes you just don't get to know why ...

Sitting here, again, with myself ... I am reminded that no matter what my friends or family say, or what others that came before me said, ultimately I am my own authority. I have all the answers I need, everything that is required to move forward, and so much more.

It all exists within.

If I were playing the 'What If' game, I would say:

What if everything is exactly where it is supposed to be?

What if there is nothing 'wrong'?

What if there is so much more than I can see and something wonderful is right around the corner?

What if I have everything I need NOW?

What if I don't have to know every 'why' for everything in my life?

What if I am ok, here .... now?

I don't feel any of these things right now but today I will play the 'What If' game until I do.

Everything's a paradox

One of my closest coworkers told me of how her parents are losing their house ... this weekend. She is in disarray since she is doing fine but not fine enough to help them out of this challenge. She used her holiday bonus to buy a new computer (exactly like me, actually) and immediately took it back the day she got it which also happened to be the day she found out. They have been keeping it from her for reasons she can't understand.

A very close family friend of my employers lost their 17 year old son to unknown causes over the holidays. They are coping ... barely.

My coworker's best friend had her brother kidnapped in Sudan. The terrorists (who know nothing but think anyone who is white has money) demand 5 million dollars for his release. His family doesn't have the money and wait for the call every day to see if he will be released ... or worse-

My friend lost her childhood house, watched her parents divorce, and lost her dog to an accident- all in the same 3 months.

It seems I have always been surrounded by people in transitions and extreme situations. Very rarely does it actually happen to me and yet it is constantly happening in my world.
Something gets activated inside of me when I am told these stories. The part of me that knows there is a reason and that everyone WILL prevail shows up. My faith glows stronger and my heart opens wider.

This is the first day I am back in my own space, driving my own car, with only my things surrounding me. Although I like being on hiatus from my life, sleeping in 1000 count cotton sheets, driving luxury cars, and walking around on floors that are probably cleaner than my kitchen counter ... I love my life. I love my older vehicle, my soft; old-school water bed, my small apartment, and my furry cat.
I love being on hiatus from my life but even more than that, I love coming back to it.

A friend wrote this today:

'Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.' ♥ Kahlil Gibran

I wrote it down and stuck it right in front of my computer. I want to look at it everyday and remind myself that NO MATTER WHAT I will remain open. I will trust and risk and share myself every day ... even if it hurts. That's my choice and I will do it.

It's been awhile that I have been disconnected from many of my lifetime relationships. I miss my people and every time I realize this fact I see that I am the one who can make the decision to change it. I acknowledge that it only takes one step to head in a different direction. And yet, as I sit in this solitariness, I will not call one soul or send one email.
And so I am back at this eternal inner battle where I want to be connected to all of my people all the time but I also want this alone time, need it even ...
Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am exactly where I need to be. Maybe everything is going to be all right and I am doing the perfect things at the perfect moment ... just maybe-

Writing, Friends, and Hearts

Oh how I've missed writing here ... the feel of the keys sliding under my fingers ... knowing absolutely anything can come out ... waiting to see what else sits inside of me.

This, my second day living at work with 5 jetlagged kids and 4 dogs, brings me a comfort and fatigue that I don't seem to get anywhere else. I am not a mother and I have no current plans to be one but I have the satisfaction of knowing that today my presence has affected some kids in a way that I hope they take out into the world.
I can't describe how or why it feels so good to live at and for work in these short bursts of time where I almost completely forget that I have a life and almost entirely about me .... it is so calming and fulfilling.

My writing seemed to have subsided right around the last time I actually started to open my heart. It was not just to one person but two at almost exactly the same time. I disregarded all personal space and allowed two different people to completely inundate my life ... my world ... my apartment.
Emotional Challenge- something I usually shy away from. I delved in. It may be that I am once again alone, with a new apartment, a different version of myself, and much more insight than I started with. I don't consider any of it a failure. I opened my heart. And although both people I freely let in are now entirely gone, I don't regret one moment of it. I have had three very close people comment on the fact that I actually opened my heart to a boy ... I had no idea that it was so evident to an outsider but that has not been my MO for boy situations for some years now ... but I may be cured.

More than a couple of times in the last few months I have thought to myself, why not? Why not fully open your heart at every single opportunity? Why not delve into the emotional unknown to see what we are really made of? And although I might land on my face, I will be all the better for it.

Thank you All That Is for this Heart; I will use it to it's fullest potential and treat it with the highest respect. I will show it to everyone I meet and let them see for themselves how amazing it really is. I will own it, care for it, and Love it as if it were another's. I will not take it for granted and I will ask others to celebrate having a heart with me. Thank you.