Shifting

"My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines...It may be outwardly silent here but in the back of my mind is a clamor of human voices, too many needs, hopes and fear. I hardly ever sit still without being haunted by the "undone"..."

May Sarton is one of my favorite authors. Not only because she mentions the aspect of going up to heaven and down to hell in the same breath but also because she was a master of solitude. I especially relate to the last part of what she says above and every time I let myself be swept away by many festivals or any particular one human, it is always slightly daunting to look towards the solitude and wonder if I still have a foundation there. Although I have made it my life's work to create a solid home within myself where only I exist and all of my needs and desires are taken care of by me, I find that it has always changed a bit after I go away to visit the world of companionship and then find my way back.

Just when I think I am certain about something in the Universe, the Universe proves me wrong. This aspect of my humanness forces me to stay in the present and fully appreciate what is occurring in this now.

This morning I feel like the Tool song that talks about 'no fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to blame the other, point the finger, let the temple topple over' The fog of the magical fearytale world I felt like I've been living in for the past week has cleared and the words that keep coming into my consciousness sound like an echoing 'temporary insanity'.

Being a Libra and having a personality that wants everything to be fair and forthright, my ability to see both sides is maddening right now. There's nothing to do when two people are right and valid ... except wait.

Ani DiFranco say, 'One of the things I've learned all these years on my own, is how to find my own way home.'
I feel this so intensely today. For this, I am greatful.

Unfamiliar Territory

I feel like this Osho card: Thunderbolt.  Everything is crashing down and being destroyed while the zen figure in the background watches everything.  The idea behind this card is that being shaken up and broken down makes room to rebuild something new.  The calm figure in the background knows this and watches with pleasure as the unnecessaries fall to the ground.

In the last week I have existed in an extremely uncomfortable space.  I feel out of control, powerless, and like my usual tactics of stepping back from a situation are absolutely useless.

I got a glimpse of it.  For a split second I understood why people go crazy for reasons that have nothing to do with logic.  I saw how whole civilizations were created, destroyed, or affected by this thing.  I still don't understand any of it.  I haven't even stepped inside; I have only sensed slight stirrings of it in the air that passes me by.  But even so, I finally get it.  I get why all 3 of my brothers will not hesitate to open their hearts, no matter how many times they have been ripped out.  I get why people have sacrificed jobs, family, and positions of power to follow this thing.

This thing .....

Right now all I can see is it's silhouette.  I can't see what it is, I can only see what space it takes up and the magnitude of it's intensity.  I can see how it's hovering around me, taunting me with it's alluring and risky promises.  I am aware that it's a place I've never really been in this lifetime and that if it's my time to go there now, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm not used to this place.  I have no control over what's happening inside of me.  All attempts at holding back how I am feeling are futile.  None of my logical and self-preserving tactics have any affect whatsoever.

I've been driving a lot lately.  It's one of the only things I can do right now that makes me feel in control.  This surrendering thing is so unfamiliar to me that it almost feels like I'm on another planet.

What compounds all of this is that the out-of-control-instigator magically knows what to do in any given freak out moment of mine.  It's like there is a psychic language happening between some part of me and some part of him and he has an affect over me that demands that I show up, not matter how I'm feeing about it.

Independence has been one of the main themes of my lifetime.  It has always come easy and every time I have slipped into interdependence, I have always strived to get back to that autonomous place.  Even so, I can feel myself being affected by something that is outside of me.  It feels like it's outside of me and at the same time, it is everything I am.

So now, I give up.  I give up control.  I give up fighting.  I'm learning to live inside of the discomfort and unfamiliarity.  I surrender into whatever is to come and whether that destroys me or exalts me, it matters not for this is me letting it be.

The darkness~

Every morning for a week I have been waking up to the Tool tracks whose lyrics I am posting below. I will do this every day until the anger is gone .....

Then healing can happen-

the grudge The Grudge

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

chism Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

Independence?

Today is July 4th.

It's a big deal pretty much everywhere I turn.

I'm not feelin it.

I'm now on my 4th day of no sugar (hehe July 4th/4th dayofnosugar) and in the middle of a 100 day gong and a mild herbal cleanse. Needless to say, I have a lot going on inside of me. I'm feeling a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, and the urge to clear my space, inside and out is now at the forefront of my consciousness.

I'm not excited about the constant flow of summer festivals, the relentless LA opportunities to go out dancing, or getting together with 500 other people to celebrate something or other. I'm feeling like I need to connect with my closest people one by one so I can take them in my embrace, look them in the eyes, and remember what is at the core of our connection.

Detoxing is always a strange and interesting thing. The unhealthy things inside of me are flowing out and through and I can distinguish what is really me and what isn't. This is physically and emotionally. I see my emotional patterns that have kept me in my own prison and sometimes I see why I have created them. There isn't a lot of judgment hanging around the edges since almost all dysfunction is some form of self-preservation and I am learning not to take my stuff personally.

The thing I have been noticing the most about the role that sugar has played in my life is the very convenient avenue to escapism. This makes me wonder what I'm trying to escape from? It also begs the question: What could be a healthy and beneficial path to escapism that could work for me NOW?

Going on top of a mountain has worked in the past. So has taking random, unplanned, leave-in-the-middle-of-the-night roadtrips that were a staple of my childhood. But today I may stay home, bypass all the crowds, and celebrate my own independence from sugar, crutches, and anything outside of me that I may have let determine my caliber of experience thus far.

Amen.

What's underneath-

I'm sad.

I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I was even more sad a minute ago until I realized that this is the first time that my boy sadness came from someone being honest with me. It's a change. And that part is comforting.

I'm on day 15 of my secret 100 day gong. I noticed today that my natural stance is more in line. That was fast.

I attended a good friend's hypnotist session to quit smoking. Although I didn't plan on it, I also got hypnotized to release sugar and caffeine. This is my first day with very little sugar. I was really angry the first half of the day and then a lot of tears came the second half.

I have to remember that my body is cleansing while I'm realizing that my latest crush isn't crushing on me back. It makes me not as sad.

It's such a different experience to actually feel my pain instead of quieting it with something. I could get used to it. There is some sort of relief in it.

Because my crushes and disappointments are so frequent, it seems like keeping the faith is hard. But today I'm remembering that progress is being made. Because at least this time I attracted someone into my space who was actually honest with me and considerate of my situation.

Trusting my feelings is hard to do. But I think it's even harder to pretend like I don't have them. My friend Heather told me it's possible to feel sad and sexy at the same time. I'm banking on that.