Touch Me Awake

Sometimes you just don't get to know why ...

2010-02-07T11:30:00.001-08:00

Sitting here, again, with myself ... I am reminded that no matter what my friends or family say, or what others that came before me said, ultimately I am my own authority. I have all the answers I need, everything that is required to move forward, and so much more.

It all exists within.

If I were playing the 'What If' game, I would say:

What if everything is exactly where it is supposed to be?

What if there is nothing 'wrong'?

What if there is so much more than I can see and something wonderful is right around the corner?

What if I have everything I need NOW?

What if I don't have to know every 'why' for everything in my life?

What if I am ok, here .... now?

I don't feel any of these things right now but today I will play the 'What If' game until I do.

Everything's a paradox

2010-01-05T22:58:00.001-08:00

One of my closest coworkers told me of how her parents are losing their house ... this weekend. She is in disarray since she is doing fine but not fine enough to help them out of this challenge. She used her holiday bonus to buy a new computer (exactly like me, actually) and immediately took it back the day she got it which also happened to be the day she found out. They have been keeping it from her for reasons she can't understand.

A very close family friend of my employers lost their 17 year old son to unknown causes over the holidays. They are coping ... barely.

My coworker's best friend had her brother kidnapped in Sudan. The terrorists (who know nothing but think anyone who is white has money) demand 5 million dollars for his release. His family doesn't have the money and wait for the call every day to see if he will be released ... or worse-

My friend lost her childhood house, watched her parents divorce, and lost her dog to an accident- all in the same 3 months.

It seems I have always been surrounded by people in transitions and extreme situations. Very rarely does it actually happen to me and yet it is constantly happening in my world.
Something gets activated inside of me when I am told these stories. The part of me that knows there is a reason and that everyone WILL prevail shows up. My faith glows stronger and my heart opens wider.

This is the first day I am back in my own space, driving my own car, with only my things surrounding me. Although I like being on hiatus from my life, sleeping in 1000 count cotton sheets, driving luxury cars, and walking around on floors that are probably cleaner than my kitchen counter ... I love my life. I love my older vehicle, my soft; old-school water bed, my small apartment, and my furry cat.
I love being on hiatus from my life but even more than that, I love coming back to it.

A friend wrote this today:

'Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.' ♥ Kahlil Gibran

I wrote it down and stuck it right in front of my computer. I want to look at it everyday and remind myself that NO MATTER WHAT I will remain open. I will trust and risk and share myself every day ... even if it hurts. That's my choice and I will do it.

It's been awhile that I have been disconnected from many of my lifetime relationships. I miss my people and every time I realize this fact I see that I am the one who can make the decision to change it. I acknowledge that it only takes one step to head in a different direction. And yet, as I sit in this solitariness, I will not call one soul or send one email.
And so I am back at this eternal inner battle where I want to be connected to all of my people all the time but I also want this alone time, need it even ...
Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am exactly where I need to be. Maybe everything is going to be all right and I am doing the perfect things at the perfect moment ... just maybe-

Writing, Friends, and Hearts

2010-01-04T20:17:00.001-08:00

Oh how I've missed writing here ... the feel of the keys sliding under my fingers ... knowing absolutely anything can come out ... waiting to see what else sits inside of me.

This, my second day living at work with 5 jetlagged kids and 4 dogs, brings me a comfort and fatigue that I don't seem to get anywhere else. I am not a mother and I have no current plans to be one but I have the satisfaction of knowing that today my presence has affected some kids in a way that I hope they take out into the world.
I can't describe how or why it feels so good to live at and for work in these short bursts of time where I almost completely forget that I have a life and almost entirely about me .... it is so calming and fulfilling.

My writing seemed to have subsided right around the last time I actually started to open my heart. It was not just to one person but two at almost exactly the same time. I disregarded all personal space and allowed two different people to completely inundate my life ... my world ... my apartment.
Emotional Challenge- something I usually shy away from. I delved in. It may be that I am once again alone, with a new apartment, a different version of myself, and much more insight than I started with. I don't consider any of it a failure. I opened my heart. And although both people I freely let in are now entirely gone, I don't regret one moment of it. I have had three very close people comment on the fact that I actually opened my heart to a boy ... I had no idea that it was so evident to an outsider but that has not been my MO for boy situations for some years now ... but I may be cured.

More than a couple of times in the last few months I have thought to myself, why not? Why not fully open your heart at every single opportunity? Why not delve into the emotional unknown to see what we are really made of? And although I might land on my face, I will be all the better for it.

Thank you All That Is for this Heart; I will use it to it's fullest potential and treat it with the highest respect. I will show it to everyone I meet and let them see for themselves how amazing it really is. I will own it, care for it, and Love it as if it were another's. I will not take it for granted and I will ask others to celebrate having a heart with me. Thank you.

Shifting

2009-07-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

"My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines...It may be outwardly silent here but in the back of my mind is a clamor of human voices, too many needs, hopes and fear. I hardly ever sit still without being haunted by the "undone"..."

May Sarton is one of my favorite authors. Not only because she mentions the aspect of going up to heaven and down to hell in the same breath but also because she was a master of solitude. I especially relate to the last part of what she says above and every time I let myself be swept away by many festivals or any particular one human, it is always slightly daunting to look towards the solitude and wonder if I still have a foundation there. Although I have made it my life's work to create a solid home within myself where only I exist and all of my needs and desires are taken care of by me, I find that it has always changed a bit after I go away to visit the world of companionship and then find my way back.

Just when I think I am certain about something in the Universe, the Universe proves me wrong. This aspect of my humanness forces me to stay in the present and fully appreciate what is occurring in this now.

This morning I feel like the Tool song that talks about 'no fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to blame the other, point the finger, let the temple topple over' The fog of the magical fearytale world I felt like I've been living in for the past week has cleared and the words that keep coming into my consciousness sound like an echoing 'temporary insanity'.

Being a Libra and having a personality that wants everything to be fair and forthright, my ability to see both sides is maddening right now. There's nothing to do when two people are right and valid ... except wait.

Ani DiFranco say, 'One of the things I've learned all these years on my own, is how to find my own way home.'
I feel this so intensely today. For this, I am greatful.

Unfamiliar Territory

2009-07-20T10:00:00.001-07:00

I feel like this Osho card: Thunderbolt. Everything is crashing down and being destroyed while the zen figure in the background watches everything. The idea behind this card is that being shaken up and broken down makes room to rebuild something new. The calm figure in the background knows this and watches with pleasure as the unnecessaries fall to the ground.

In the last week I have existed in an extremely uncomfortable space. I feel out of control, powerless, and like my usual tactics of stepping back from a situation are absolutely useless.

I got a glimpse of it. For a split second I understood why people go crazy for reasons that have nothing to do with logic. I saw how whole civilizations were created, destroyed, or affected by this thing. I still don't understand any of it. I haven't even stepped inside; I have only sensed slight stirrings of it in the air that passes me by. But even so, I finally get it. I get why all 3 of my brothers will not hesitate to open their hearts, no matter how many times they have been ripped out. I get why people have sacrificed jobs, family, and positions of power to follow this thing.

This thing .....

Right now all I can see is it's silhouette. I can't see what it is, I can only see what space it takes up and the magnitude of it's intensity. I can see how it's hovering around me, taunting me with it's alluring and risky promises. I am aware that it's a place I've never really been in this lifetime and that if it's my time to go there now, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm not used to this place. I have no control over what's happening inside of me. All attempts at holding back how I am feeling are futile. None of my logical and self-preserving tactics have any affect whatsoever.

I've been driving a lot lately. It's one of the only things I can do right now that makes me feel in control. This surrendering thing is so unfamiliar to me that it almost feels like I'm on another planet.

What compounds all of this is that the out-of-control-instigator magically knows what to do in any given freak out moment of mine. It's like there is a psychic language happening between some part of me and some part of him and he has an affect over me that demands that I show up, not matter how I'm feeing about it.

Independence has been one of the main themes of my lifetime. It has always come easy and every time I have slipped into interdependence, I have always strived to get back to that autonomous place. Even so, I can feel myself being affected by something that is outside of me. It feels like it's outside of me and at the same time, it is everything I am.

So now, I give up. I give up control. I give up fighting. I'm learning to live inside of the discomfort and unfamiliarity. I surrender into whatever is to come and whether that destroys me or exalts me, it matters not for this is me letting it be.

The darkness~

2009-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Every morning for a week I have been waking up to the Tool tracks whose lyrics I am posting below. I will do this every day until the anger is gone .....

Then healing can happen-

the grudge The Grudge

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

chism Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

Independence?

2009-07-04T09:13:00.001-07:00

Today is July 4th.

It's a big deal pretty much everywhere I turn.

I'm not feelin it.

I'm now on my 4th day of no sugar (hehe July 4th/4th dayofnosugar) and in the middle of a 100 day gong and a mild herbal cleanse. Needless to say, I have a lot going on inside of me. I'm feeling a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, and the urge to clear my space, inside and out is now at the forefront of my consciousness.

I'm not excited about the constant flow of summer festivals, the relentless LA opportunities to go out dancing, or getting together with 500 other people to celebrate something or other. I'm feeling like I need to connect with my closest people one by one so I can take them in my embrace, look them in the eyes, and remember what is at the core of our connection.

Detoxing is always a strange and interesting thing. The unhealthy things inside of me are flowing out and through and I can distinguish what is really me and what isn't. This is physically and emotionally. I see my emotional patterns that have kept me in my own prison and sometimes I see why I have created them. There isn't a lot of judgment hanging around the edges since almost all dysfunction is some form of self-preservation and I am learning not to take my stuff personally.

The thing I have been noticing the most about the role that sugar has played in my life is the very convenient avenue to escapism. This makes me wonder what I'm trying to escape from? It also begs the question: What could be a healthy and beneficial path to escapism that could work for me NOW?

Going on top of a mountain has worked in the past. So has taking random, unplanned, leave-in-the-middle-of-the-night roadtrips that were a staple of my childhood. But today I may stay home, bypass all the crowds, and celebrate my own independence from sugar, crutches, and anything outside of me that I may have let determine my caliber of experience thus far.

Amen.

What's underneath-

2009-07-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sad.

I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I was even more sad a minute ago until I realized that this is the first time that my boy sadness came from someone being honest with me. It's a change. And that part is comforting.

I'm on day 15 of my secret 100 day gong. I noticed today that my natural stance is more in line. That was fast.

I attended a good friend's hypnotist session to quit smoking. Although I didn't plan on it, I also got hypnotized to release sugar and caffeine. This is my first day with very little sugar. I was really angry the first half of the day and then a lot of tears came the second half.

I have to remember that my body is cleansing while I'm realizing that my latest crush isn't crushing on me back. It makes me not as sad.

It's such a different experience to actually feel my pain instead of quieting it with something. I could get used to it. There is some sort of relief in it.

Because my crushes and disappointments are so frequent, it seems like keeping the faith is hard. But today I'm remembering that progress is being made. Because at least this time I attracted someone into my space who was actually honest with me and considerate of my situation.

Trusting my feelings is hard to do. But I think it's even harder to pretend like I don't have them. My friend Heather told me it's possible to feel sad and sexy at the same time. I'm banking on that.

3 Goddesses and their light

2009-06-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with two beautiful girls in my apartment and a calm, quiet content inside. Based on a friend's suggestion, I stepped out of my desire to spend a Sunday alone and went to pick up a friend to 'help her out'. One thing led to another and I found myself in the middle of a mobile goddess gathering. It was sublime. I have been missing the presence of feminine energy, the powerful knowingness of Divine Intuition, and the nurturing understanding of female Love.

I got little sleep, drank even less water, and didn't accomplish any of the tasks on my list. Yet I woke up this morning feeling like I might conquer the world today.

I started out yesterday thinking I was going to do a couple of friends a favor. I even thought to myself, "Today is community service day." Little did I know that I was the one that was going to receive the healing and service.

Last night I saw the lovely duality of our lives. There I sat. On one side I had one spontaneous, vibrant woman who hasn't washed her hair since midweek, lost her wallet and money in a city that is not her own, and who's sole purpose for living sat in the ownership of the Greyhound bus station until she can borrow $40 to get it out. On the other side I had another luminous, open-hearted woman with no vehicle, no permanent place of residency, and the abyss of the unknown looming before her.
And all I could see was the wondrous beauty, strength, and Love that these two women had brought to my day and the magnitude of their contribution to the world through their simple presence. As I dropped them off at their high end pilates and massage jobs, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself about the illusions that their very wealthy clients must see.

What a delight for me!

Walking into work today I felt much like the sky looked. The clouds hadn't yet cleared and there was a layer of thin mist covering the tops of the trees. But I could see the sun's silhouette and the promise of booming rays sat behind those clouds. I know that the nature of most human lives is to consistently come closer to What We Really Are. I can only hope that the vision and reality I have of these two radiant beauties can help them come closer to realizing it for themselves.

As for me, I am also looking at the horizon of the unknown and I'm perched on the edge of many choices, ready and poised for what comes next but also contemplating carefully what I would Love for that to feel like.

One thing I am certain of: All three of us will humbly and greatfully receive $2,500.00 in July from expected and unexpected sources NOW. This I know to be true.

Fogginess, AWAY!

2009-06-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

Wow

The past few days I have become much more sensitive to windows of time that seem to allow access to more energy. This fact has entered my consciousness quite a few times recently and I am so eager to explore it more fully during the month of July when I have no plans. Right now it seems to be between 11pm and 2am and also between 5am and 8am. There is something that happens inside of me that reminds me that anythings possible and allows me access to more portals of creativity and Life.

Doing qigong tonight I 'saw' so many things! It's like our bodies are perfectly spinning systems of energy in every moment. The only thing that prevents them from functioning perfectly is our perception of them. If we think we are fucked up, we will be fucked up. It sounds so simple but very few people are conditioned by society to see the perfection that already exists in their body. We always look for what's wrong and then try to come up with our own way to fix it. But our bodies have a consciousness that is far beyond what we can ever recreate ourselves. In Deepak's book,Quantam Healing, he states this fact on almost every single page: there is something in the human body that is unfathomable and resists being measured that is the key ingredient in healing. That's why some forms of medicine work on some people and not on others. But while I was in relationship to my body tonight, with qigong as the mediator, I could completely see how every part of me wants to be existing on a beautifully healthy level ... if only I could let it.

And so this translates to my emotional life. I have been carrying around this belief of, 'I have so many issues in this and this area.' But what if I didn't? What if I played the 'what if' game every day? What if it were just easy and my emotional world was fluid and everytime a discomfort came up I could tell myself, 'Yes, you will work through this too with ease and grace.' What if?

One of my most beautiful and solid friends called me at the exact moment I was thinking of him today. He does this often and this is one of the many reasons why I Love him: he always follows his intuition. He is one of the pillars of strength that surrounds my world and I tell him often that he gives me hope in the male race.

I have a meditation where I stand in the middle of a circle that is made up of all of the men that I know and Love and have shared healing hugs with. It is many and the circle is wide. So whenever I feel scared to open my heart or the world hasn't been kind to me that day. I stand in the middle of this circle and turn very slowly so as to look at each and everyone of those faces to remind me of the Love and support that is available to me at any moment. I don't think any of these men know how they heal me when they're not even thinking about it. Occasionally I throw the goddesses in there too but there are other mediations and rituals for them ;)

Oh it is extraordinary to be human ... today. Tomorrow it might hurt. But if that is the case, I will take them both.

------------

2009-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

It seems I am right back at a place I have been before. The possibility of something that could feel good with a grand chance that it could feel worse than anything thus far.

While growing up I believed whole heartedly in realms beyond this one and in the power of Love. I knew without a doubt that all that I felt was true and I was fearless in my ability to reach out, take chances, be crazy, and Love without limits.

Many things in the last couple of days have brought my attention to the fact that I may have misplaced that space within me recently. The mind can be a powerful thing and 'reality' is preached from so many different areas these days that one can never really know what that means. In Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike, Lance describes the moment when his chances looked the meakest and how most of the doctors, although willing to help, seemed anything but optimistic. He conveys his ability to hope, believe, and dream of a time where he beats cancer and survives everything that looks undoable in front of him. This was all he had to hold on to and the sole thing that kept him going. This is only one of the many prods from my present reality that is urging me to reconnect to that place where my deep desires are possible.

A movie I watched recently, Special, also showed me that I still have that place inside of me even if it hasn't been visited for a minute. Our minds are really the only thing creating our reality every day. What we choose to hold as 'reality' is ultimately up to us. I am everything I decide I am but not because I'm choosing that out of an infinite number of possibilities but because I know in my heart that is the truth.

My world doesn't seem cut and dried anymore and there is so much to focus on and so much to get lost in, it's important to keep a general direction in mind. I recently resurrected a few desires that have fallen asleep in the last year and maybe that is where I will start.

I have thrived on witnessing transformation, in myself and others. I live for this and it touches me in ways even connecting with other humans doesn't quite get to. I have let this passion wander away and meanwhile I am floundering around wondering what my reasons for all of it are. It makes so much sense. Once I pluck this particular desire from my dusty closet and set it back on my mantle to appreciate, embrace, and move closer to everyday my reasons will magically appear.

Writing .... I have also allowed that desire to go on hiatus. I see it slither around corners and under the fence post in my courtyard. Occassionally I can catch it and we have a moment but then once again it is off on it's own slithery journey. Someday that desire will live inside and maybe even sleep next to me once in awhile ....

Some stay, some go

2009-06-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

A cousin commited suicide today. I have been there before. I have so many unorthodox feelings that I'm scared to talk about them to anyone.

For instance, if she doesn't want to be here why would someone stop her from leaving. Souls are pressing the emergency ejection button to leave this plane- consciously (through taking their own life) and unconsciously (through unexpected avenues) all the time. A book I am currently rereading talks about this exact thing- taking one's own life because it gets hard. Destiny of Souls, written by Michael Newton, Ph.d., talks about the spirit realm or the life in between lives. He is a hypnotherapist that does past life stuff but mostly collects information about life in between lives. While it is frowned upon to take your own life while in human form- only because it is such an honor and gift and not every nonphysical entity gets to have a body- it is not unrectifiable. Souls may go into incubation and even some healing while in energetic form but they can heal themselves from such a tramautic experience.

And at this very moment I can see all of my family members pulling for her at the hospital to make it through the night. The doctors say she won't. I may be the only one that is sending her the energetic message that if she wants to go, I will support her decision.

I was once ready to leave this realm and in fact even tried to go but something greater than me knew that I was needed for a longer period of time and I still had more stuff to work out. I'm glad there was some intervention because already the adversity has been worth it. I have often said I wish that I could have a 2 minute break from this human things and go into the spirit realm, just for a moment to remember. But if we could do that, it would make this whole thing superfluous. And in a way, we can do that- when we sleep, do qigong, meditate, take drugs, or whatever else might be 'our' thing. Sometimes the goodness of it is an illusion but sometimes it's not.

Tonight I will venture into the dream realm and connect with this cousin to let her know I support her decisions, whatever they may be and hope that others will do the same for me.

It's all about the Light

2009-06-22T22:17:00.001-07:00

It's always apparent when I enter the darkness because my writing tapers off. The words still come but I don't allow them an outlet to express themselves.

Recently I've taken small steps to let the light back in and I can feel myself getting more full of light every day. The last couple of weeks some energetic turning points have altered my whole state of being and left me with moments of clarity in their wake.

I reconnected with my healer. He has grown a lot and I can see it in his eyes and his touch and his presence.

This was the first major shifting point: qigong on the beach. Doing qigong on the beach with my original teacher reminded me of how much I have missed it. My cells have hungered for it like a creature in the desert hungers for water after months of travel. I have not listened to the cries and for that I am sorry. I remembered how much of an ever-changing experience it is and how clear things become for me. I know my consciousness has some sort of connection with All That Is and everything about me that I can't see. Doing qigong helps me to see and remember this. I was absolutely touched by this experience and Love that I get to rediscover something that has changed my life on such deep levels.

Afterwards my qigong teacher challenged me to immediately jump into a 100 day gong. I have now commited, inside myself, to do this 100 day gong and have only told one soul. But I know that already my Loved ones can feel it around me.

After qigong on the beach, my healer worked with me in a way that allowed me to feel switched on. It was like my body was just waiting for an avenue to open up again and allow energy and other things to start flowing. Although I still feel like I'm acclimating to adjustments from this healing, I know this is the second major thing that has caused All Of It to change.

The third thing is a few different events that have drawn my attention to the walls I have created around myself in the way of intimate relating with men. I have known this is something that is calling to be healed because it keeps rearing it's head. The most significant of these small events happened when I was driving to a forest adventure this last weekend. I was alone and I remember looking at the clock and thinking of how one of my dear friends was performing and how I was missing it. I started sending her energy and somewhere in the middle of that I began recalling memories of my childhood and teenagerhood. I remembered all of the broken hearts of my brothers and the healing processes they went through and my role in all of it. One thing led to another and tears started flowing. It was so intense, I could compare the energy moving to the healing session even up to the point that my face got numb and I had to fight to stay conscious through the pain. This went on for quite awhile until all of the emotion was released and I had I chance to reflect on what happened. I think it was a spontaneous healing and it happened while I was traveling through ley lines and shifting energy- so appropriate.

The fourth thing is my connection with another human. I am well aware that I have a thing for geniuses but sometimes I don't recognize one when I see one. This last weekend I reconnected with one that I didn't know that I knew and his presence has altered the way I now think about myself.

He is conscious, present, allowing, and accepting. All he did was show up and allow or connection to happen but for me, this reminded me of some dormant desires and that my energy is only closed if I let it be. There is so much consciousness in just his touch (when he is touching me and other things) that I am astounded.

Driving home from the forest gathering that was eight hours away, I got to process the experience. First lesson: next time I won't be so preoccupied with my issues that I won't allow myself to fully enjoy the experience. Second lesson: I will never again apologize for who or what I am in any given moment. Third lesson: I can have exactly what I want and in fact, I deserve it.

It is still an effort to let the light back in some days but June gloom is almost over in Southern California and when the clouds part, so will my darkness.

A Gift

2009-05-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

"What is needed is not a change of circumstance, but a change of perception."

Someone really smart said that at some time, somewhere. I haven't felt the meaning of that sentence so intensly for quite awhile .... until today.

Today a lovely friend reminded me that the second I get over how I'm feeling, I can start looking at other people's inner workings and appreciate how different we are. Nothing is wrong unless I make it that way. Every experience is an opportunity to appreciate myself and other people on a deeper level.

The other very insightful gift this friend gave me today: if I continue to close my heart the way I have been, people will continue to be a different version of themselves in my presence. Energy naturally responds to energy. I have seen this, and experienced this, over and over again.

Today I am set free by a few inspiring words from someone who is so not the average individual.

Today I can finally see the gift in the disappearing act.

Today I can let it go.

Today I can accept ALL THINGS without judgement or shame.

Today is a new day and I am a more luminous, better version of myself on this day.

Today I have embraced The Gift.

Disappear

2009-05-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

It happened again. Another lover disappeared. I've worked hard to choose ones that uphold integrity, honesty, communication. I am so careful. I screen, test, examine to make sure that THIS one won't just disappear.

It happened again.

Silence is the worst kind of torture. When someone yells in your face, at least you know what they think. You know why. There's no mystery.

Silence. What do I do with it? I can make up any number of reasons why everything was cut off without warning. But I can never really know. With all of them, I have never really known. Even the ones that have come back don't ever give me a straight answer.

I've gone to a lot of work to choose men who don't disappear. And yet here I sit, in silence, with not a word to work with.

The good news: it's impossible to do anything but establish just a little bit more independence, strength, and knowing about who I am.

The sad news: I'm losing faith. I had a gust of anxiety suddenly overtake me today in the middle of a store aisle. I was frozen. I didn't know what was happening until afterwards. For a moment the numbness parted and the overwhelming fear was there. Nothing else. Only Fear. I could feel how my heart walls are thicker than ever and I can't see any light through the seems.

The ironic thing: I am a disappearing act myself. I have always had a tendency to disappear- with my friends, lovers, family. I've worked even harder on this than on what kind of men I choose. I've come a long way. But even now, I sometimes unintentionally do it. It happened just the other day and I was amazed. In the middle of me wondering about the one who has disappeared from my life, someone was wondering why I had disappeared from theirs.

So I carry on. Everything is connected. And even now I know there is some sort of Divine Perfection inside all of it, especially if I can't see it. I'm still unsure if this experience has opened my heart or caused it to close even more. I guess I will know the next time I have the opportunity to enter into another risky scenario. Without a doubt, I refuse to disappear.

When there are no words ....

2009-04-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

And then I was here .... alone. I know this is how we arrive and I know this is how we leave. And yet, we are never truly alone for it is the illusion of being in a body that makes it appear so solitary.

I turned off my phone for the first time in a long time tonight. I turned it back on thirty minutes later to see if anything had happened. It didn't. I am leaving it off for a night. I can't remember that last time I wasn't tied to my phone. It was probably in August when I was camping and at Burning Man. That wasn't the same as being available and choosing to be unavailable ... it's a different feeling.

I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that I need to be doing more in the world. The feeling was compounded yesterday when a dear friend called me and told me of the tears she shed when she watched a video about global warming and how much we aren't doing. This nagging feeling is behind every silence, underneath every hug, and in between every word I speak. It's like no matter what I do or think, it seems like I could be doing or thinking so much more.

The Guides say that it would serve me to connect with someone so intimately and deeply that I could feel like I needed them. This prospect sends stabbing swords of fear through every part of me. I have never felt like I needed someone, not even with my family. I have missed them and longed for them but I have always known that I can do it alone ... and will. It seems I am at a threshhold where I may be letting somebody or some bodies in ... I don't like it and there is a soft whisper inside my mind saying, 'Run the other way as fast as you can ... '

I wan't to clear it all out- my apartment, my life, my head. I wan't to rid everything of the minutia and clutter that keeps me from my deepest feelings and grandest fulfillments. I want to throw everything away and start again. I want to take a deep, long rest and emerge with new thought and a broader way of seeing. I want to disappear and come back as a lighter and clearer version of me.

So the question remains: What am I waiting for?

When it's business-

2009-04-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

In this moment, I feel so full and sure of myself. In this moment, nothing can touch me.

I know who I am. I know what I'm made of. And I know that today was another day that helped me realize more of Who I Really Am.

I wake up and look myself in the mirror every morning and I can smile at myself because I know that my choices and I have laid together in harmony.

I know that today I made a difference for someone somewhere. I know that the goodness I feel and the beauty I see mean something.

Not too long ago I lost my faith in humanity. It was a dark moment in my existence. I knew that it was a turning point and something had to shift because a faith like the kind I carried doesn't just float away. It gets blasted away by something fierce ... or some things fierce

I asked for help.

Slowly my faith was restored by small acts done by unknowing humans all around me. If all of those people knew what they had done for me on a much larger scale, I think the world could blossom like my heart right now.

Today I realized fully that my faith is only carried by me. I am the one that mirrors existence to me. I choose what to see and what to reflect. I decide what I bring to the world everyday and how I create my day. Me. I do that.

I am free and it's because of all the choices I have made. I have always been free and will continue to be free. Sometimes I like to forget and create illusionary boundaries of ways that I am not fully free. But I always come back to this moment: the moment when I remember that I am exactly where I am because of me. I did this.

Today I love where I'm at and I wouldn't trade all the experiences of this day for anything else in the world. Today some business took place around me and even though it looked like it had everything to do with me, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I am a symbol for everything going on around me. And so I keep my reflection clean, clear, and full of Love because whatever people see through the mirror of me, I want it to be as clear as it possibly can be.

Today I lived, and the world is better for it.

My Dream~

2009-04-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. Although she was born with a fearlessly open heart, years on earth took their toll and painted her heart shut. Even so, she surrounded herself with open hearted people, thought open hearted thoughts, and wrote open hearted words.

None of her open hearted activities brought her relief from her open heart painted shut. So with sorrow, she resolved to live the best life she could with an open heart painted shut.

One day, many years later, she had a dream. She dreamt that she had an open heart painted shut. As she started peeling the layers of paint away, she noticed her own fears in each layer of paint. She peeled and peeled and looked all of her fears in the eye as she handed each one off to the wind.

When she awoke from the dream, she realized her heart was no longer painted shut. She rejoiced in her fully open heart and showed it to everyone she came across. As more and more people met her, they too started to slowly peel away their layers of paint and fear. One day, the entire world had peeled away their layers of paint and fear and were celebrating with their fully radiant open hearts.

Freedom

2009-04-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am free. I have always been free but today I feel it. Yesterday I realized it. And in the coming days, my choices will reflect that freedom instead of the self-imposed limitation that I have created in the past.

I am the one creating my experience moment by moment. And on this day, it is time to start creating the things that are more in alignment with what I know, with who I AM.

Today I feel light. I feel like everything I need resides inside of me. I feel like I have every answer that I desire and all the people walking alongside my path are affirmations of this fact.

I feel like Source surrounds every aspect of my reality and my Guides are laughing with me and watching what my next move will be, like a compassionate mother watching her young child in the playground.

So today, with this lightness, I will dare to dream about my ideal reality and how that will make me feel. I will hold my highest hopes in a container of possiblity and gaze upon it as thought it is all happening NOW.

I will compliment and nurture myself and treat myself like a good friend I haven't seen for a while .... and listen to myself.

I will connect with all my people and remind them of why they are important to me. I will dare to reconnect with my deepest dreams and pursue what I know I am here for, no matter what people around me say.

Today I will .....

Fearless

2009-03-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have always been called crazy, free-spirited, out-of-the-box.

I have never hesitated to begin something new, leave something that I've outgrown, or choose something different.

Once again I am at a transition. Many things are coming to an end, physically and energetically. And I am sitting alone with myself, even more than normal, and really being with where I am. I'm looking at what's changed since the last time I was at a place such as this, a fork in the road with infinite choices and possiblities .... stopping to take a rest and decide which path I really want to experience. This place of limbo, no-thingness and eveything-ness, a portal of any and all possibilities and realities laying before me, is waiting patiently for me to take the first step on the next adventure.

This in betweenness can be highly uncomfortable sometimes, especially when so many emotional cycles hidden in my inner self are also coming to end. It's a complete reorganization of priorities, releasing of ideas of who I thought I was, and acceptance of all of Who I Really Am .... it's like losing myself, only to find me again. It feels like something I've done before .... on a smaller scale.

But I must enjoy these insane times of transistions on multiple planes because I create them often. And sometimes I like to create them to be bumpy and chaotic and unsure ... probably because that can be more exciting. But even as I acknowledge my love of crazy change and adventure, I am learning that sometimes the more corageous choice is the one where no movement happens. Being brave can look a lot like being still. Not all movement promotes the most growth. I'm learning this and the fact that surrendering to the flow might be more in alignment with my next highest good than making sudden and drastic changes.

My wishes

2009-03-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

I wish the random people who smile at me throughout my day knew how much of an impact their small gesture has on me.

I wish that I could find a man who resembles all three of my brothers, parts of my fathers, and many of my male friends.

I wish my current employer could know that I recognize her need for tenderness and know that I forgive and accept the only way she knows how to deal with people leaving.

I wish the spanish speaking people of the AA meeting that takes place most nights I drive home from work knew how inspired I was by the sight of their committment in a room.

I wish my brother knew the reason I am so strict with him is because I Love him.

I wish all my people could see themselves as I see them.

I wish I could release every one of my fears NOW as easily as I release people that no longer serve my highest good.

I wish that I had enough courage to tell the men I have been with how much they have all healed me.

I wish that my wish list was more than a list ....

A Day of Defeat

2009-02-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it happens: everything goes wrong ... on every level of the day. Things happen at work, in the personal realm, out in the world in general.
I know irony is one of the Universe's ways of expressing itself because it peeks at me often. My irony at the moment- wanting so badly for so long to live alone, be completely independent, and not have to rely on anyone for anything so I can do what I want when I want. What comes along with that? Aloneness. At the end of a day of defeat, I am left with myself ... to pick me up, hold me, and remind me that All Things are temporary and everything will be okay. It seems that a strength and will to do that was cultivatedinside of me long before I was on my own but now is the time I see myself using it the most.

Forgetting and remembering is such a natural cycle of life. As natural as the dying plant that wilts into the ground, only to become part of the soil so as to return back into the world of living as a newer and more vibrant form.

I have forgotten that dance can cure anything. I have forgotten that I have soooo many people I can call on for anything I might need at any given moment. I have forgotten that all it takes to shift my state of mind is to become present in any moment and notice what is there. I have forgotten how wonderful tears can feel wandering down my face and pooling into the caves of my ears. I have forgotten that I can have, be, do anything that I want. I have forgotten how wonderful and amazing I am.

Yesterday I lay my head down in a mess of tears and defeat, knowing that I would wake up today in a new way. And I have.

Yesterday was a day of defeat.

Today is A Day of Success ... whatever I choose to make that look like.

When it goes gray

2009-01-25T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have gray hair. It started coming in a few years ago but this year I'm choosing to allow it. To me it's a sign that I have made it this far (alive and still surly sometimes- a good thing) and that I must have some sort of knowledge base if my hair starts growing gray.

I'm 27 and I have gray hair.
What I have learned so far in my short time here on Earth:

-how to let my tears flow when they come

-listen ... even when no one is talking

-Love is more than a feeling

-my family is forever ... even when I wish it wasn't

-family is way more than blood and who grew up under your roof

-friends can be lost even if they are still alive

-no relationship is ever 'over' especially if the person is still alive

-chocolate covered coffee beans and champagne can be a lethal combination

-giving is much easier than receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-I have some work to do in the way of receiving ... especially in the realm of Love

-one can never dance too much

-there is nothing that compares to the feeling of letting tears flow down your face, drop onto your clothing, and allowing the tear paths to dry without intervening

-Moms and Dads are forever

-everyone in a body possesses some sort of creativity

-following feelings is always the best way to go ... and sometimes the hardest

-don't date your neighbor .... or your co-worker's brother .... or a brother's friend ... except when they are really attractive

-one can never have too many brother's ... especially when you are a sister

-many things can be worked out inside one's head while driving ... especially if there is no destination

-when in doubt, say yes

-when in doubt about buying clothes, say no

-sex is like riding a bike, with the right one you never forget

-music is better than drugs

-being human is so worth it

-writing is always better than not writing

... and then there was some

2008-12-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

I've been learning to recognize the beginning signs of depression. But not just recognize them, heed them as well. I'm learning that this is my body's way of letting me know something is out of balance. I've been seeing some of these signs the last couple of days. Southern California has just started to get cold and living by the beach has it's benefits but during the short Venice winter, it can be cloudy for mornings on end.

The past couple of days I have been reminding myself that it matters most for me to choose the good things for me especially when I feel bad. I have been doing that this week with my light box, eating good and warm food, and staying active. I was feeling more and more stagnant and disconnected from the world and my desires (these are my first clues that depression is on the horizon) .... until this morning.

At the beginning of my yoga class I really had to keep talking myself into it and pushing myself. It felt like the whole thing was about to be a lot of work ... that is until I felt something shift inside of me. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down my face and never stopped. At the beginning of the class one of my favorite teachers, Mary, asked us to choose something to dedicate our practice to. I chose myself. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have had a rough couple of months and I deserve some attention from myself. During the rest of the practice, as the tears continued to flow, I realized that they had been at the surface for quite some time but I had never properly acknowledged them. These salty tears told me I was wonderful and perfect and it would serve me if I were to take time out of my precious self made self-improvement program to recognize this and I would feel oh so much better. They told me that I am always unconditionally loved and I always have more love to give .... even when it seems hard. My wet friends told me that it's okay to let them visit me whenever I feel it and that when they come, no matter my perception, it is always the perfect time and place.

Today I was blessed with liquid messengers that dared me to grasp hold of my desires and ride them to the end, like I was riding my breathe to the riches of my inner emotions. They told me it was all going to be okay and even if I can't see the world evolving in every single moment of my existence, it matters not because I am the one who chooses what to focus on. They told me to take a risk and tell every single person I know exactly how I feel about them and see what happens. These little streams of deep nurturing and inner knowing showed me who and what I Really Am.

As we sat in lotus position at the end of our class and bowed to each other, Mary told us to choose what we are greatful for. I am greatful for my body, myself, and all of the many abilities and streams of experience I carry and will continue to uncover ... as an experiment to see that if I recognize my own amazingness in every moment, will it allow me to see exactly how amazing each moment really is?

The Process

2008-11-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

Catharsis .... it sort of feels like.
Today I'm remembering that healing is always a transformation, no matter how small or large. I felt sad today. I thought a coffee would help.
It didn't.
I felt sad some more. I thought a Pinkberry would help. Although their new flavor, pomegranate, was delicious, it's comfort was fleeting.
I kept feeling sad. After a sugar and lime crepe, I realized that there probably wasn't anything that was going to make the sad feel better.
Can you be sad and sexy at the same time?
My friend Heather seems to think so. She commented on my energy today and reminded me that I am amazing. I haven't felt that way all day. I know feelings aren't always the truth and I have been getting better and better at appreciating my gift: being connected to the Divine and finding patterns and connections on earthly and Divine levels and feeling so comfortable to be in between it all. I didn't feel any of that today .....

I've been learning that it's almost impossible to feel sad when you are physically exhausted. It's hard to be lonely when you are busy. It's essential to nurture and support oneself, especially when it seems like more work to do it.

I'm learning all of this and more:
I'm not too fucked up to have something amazing.
All of my parts still work ;)
Having a connection with someone on all of the levels is possible for me and it will happen again.

And then there was nothing ....

2008-11-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

This human thing completely baffles me sometimes ....

My trip to a magical realm, it seems, has run it's course for now. I'm not sure exactly what is happening but I think it has something to do with choosing out of fear rather than Love.
The other day my new, beautiful friend and I allowed our fears to overtake us on the same day. I was convinced that I would never talk to him again and he thought he was not capable of getting close to someone for the fear of loss was stronger than Love. We finally talked after my day of inner conflict, emotional turmoil about what could be, and my made up incapability of getting intimately close to anyone. When we both realized that we had our freakouts on the same day, I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I am on this planet to choose out of Love and allow my fears to flow by me like the non-physical phantoms that they are .... He said the same.

Then yesterday came- I'm still not sure what exactly happened but all I can get out of it is maybe it's too uncomfortable for him. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe it was just a matter of circumstance that I blew out of proportion because this is still so new to me.

Whatever the case, I know that I cannot continue to close myself and my heart. I must walk into the world today and choose to open, choose Love. No matter what feeling I have inside, it is my job to hold an open heart space for myself and the world so that each human can do the same, one at a time.

I know this beautiful friend that I am setting free will do the same ... I only wish it were with me. But maybe our experience planted a seed inside of him that can be watered in the days to come and when he is ready, the seed with sprout a flower and expose that to the world. If that is the case, it will be one of the most beautiful flowers on this planet. I know- I have smelled it.

I have already learned a lot and I am so greatful for every moment I got to see the magical realm for I know that's more real than anything else in my life. I will remind myself of that every day and know, deep in my soul, that if I continue to hold my ideals I will create a situation where deep Love rules the situation and I can explore my self on every level with another human. And this request I send out into the Universe so that the Universe shifts RIGHT NOW to accomodate my deepest yearnings.
~And So It Is~

I think I'm falling ....

2008-11-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people come into our lives that make time seem irrelevant. It could be a friend, love, even family member. These people attune our whole being to the present moment and remind us of what is really important in the world. Being in their space is like being in one continuous magical moment that never ends ... and sometimes, as their essence slowly disseminates, it can sometimes seem like they never really existed. But any experience that remotely resembles what I just described is what being human is REALLY about.
I have been connecting with a human like this recently. He isn't sitting next to me and yet I feel his essence next to me. When he isn't around I have trouble remembering that he's real. Sometimes when we're laying together, I forget that we have bodies and that he's younger than me and I'm shorter than him. I forget that there is anything other than the two of us and, in those moments when any part of his skin is touching mine, I feel like the two of us just being there is healing the world.
This chemistry between two people is so rare and yet I'm managing to allow it it's freedom so as not to constrain it by grasping to tightly .... last night, on the embers of slumber, he thanked me for helping him become free .... I didn't know what he ment but I know that I have also granted my own freedom.
I have received this gift I have been asking for and it is even more grand than I imagined. I am here to say that in the past year and a half three of my major desires in life have been fulfilled and I am absolutely amazed. I am in awe at the magnitude of my feelings and the power of my desires and knowingness. I know this is only the beginning~

Hanging out with my Mom today~

2008-10-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Human Race~ Pure Joy

2008-09-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

The nature of Life

2008-09-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

People die and people are born ..... the nature of life. My aunt died on my birthday. It was a whirl wind. Later in the day I felt honored to have her go on my day and felt her throughout the day and night. My conversation with my mom revealed her admiration of my faith in the Divine and the Universe and how she, especially in that moment, wished that she had that. I reminded her of her unending faith in human Love and how I have been working on that one for awhile now. I guess we are surrounded by the people whose stuff compliments our own.
A beautiful and amazing friend of mine reminded me that my aunt's death is an opportunity to create healings in the family area of my life .... I absolutely did not want to hear it and yet I knew it to be so true. It could be so easy to turn my back, sit 500 miles away, and pretend like none of it is happening .... but then, how would I be better for doing that??
I guess time and my series of decisions will tell what I decide to do in the end. But deep inside of myself I know the my strongest, lasting desire is to become more of Who I Really Am .... that means confronting my family lessons. Sometimes things can look so dark and dirty and yet turn out so sweet .....

I have been treating my body like a frustrated, unaware parent that just wants it to do what I want. I have realized that our body functions much like a dog: you can abuse it as much as you want and it is still loyal and true as much as it knows how. I am so ready to make amends with my body and take some body parenting classes so that I can learn how to treat it with care and listen to it's signs so that it can serve me as well as I would like it to. It is definitely a mutual relationship and that is the concept I am really working on integrating into my experience. But, not surprisingly, many of my friends already know this to be true and live this truth. This is the cycle of life: to learn it and use it .... then convey it when the opportunity presents itself.
I am glad to be alive today, although my body may be feeling differently today, I am determined to have it feel the same.

I'm gonna shake you off

2008-09-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

Receiving feedback from someone that is hurtful is sort of like hearing someone you love has died. As first it doesn't seem real and in fact a lot of it doesn't even register. It doesn't even matter if the words are true or not; in fact it's pretty hard to distinguish between what's real, what's not, and what is part of your own reaction to the words ... there's definitely a lot of emotion swirling around- so much so that not a lot of things make sense, even in the outer world. Then you go through all of the emotions associated with loss: disbelief, anger, grief, etc. Then there is a settling in of exactly what has happened, who the person was to you, and what it means now to not have them in your life. And a little bit like a book, you excavate the truth out of the feedback and leave the rest. I haven't gotten to this last part yet. I know I will arrive there, although the when is uncertain.
The Guides say that many humans are healing self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. They say this is especially one of my themes. At this point I feel like a self destructing tornado that takes out anything in it's path. Even in all of this confusion and yukiness inside, a part of me knows that many of my people would tell me different. The question is: Am I able to receive from them? This moment stirs the echoes of pain I've had in this area throughout this lifetime and lifetimes past. I'm working on allowing it to flow through ... and out. It's not easy. It doesn't feel natural. But a part of me absolutely has to KNOW that every moment of my existence radiates something good out into the world. As thoughts of isolation, and how I might make that happen, swirl around in my head, I know that there is a way to make this right .... even if that only means making it right inside myself.
And so the Queen of vague and talking around a subject writes again, not of how everything is Divine, Beautiful, and Perfect; but of how sometimes things feel downright horrible .... and yet there is still a reason to continue on, even if one can't completely feel it, see it, or taste it. In life, and in writing.

The Reason Behind the reasons

2008-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget exactly why I'm here. I get so caught up in the details, the physical, my health, that I turn inwards and miss the whole point of why I chose this human thing. I know my greatest purpose is always to hold more light, open myself to love, and attune the frequencies of this planet to greater love and therefore, greater god expression.
It's easy to forget that the whole reason why I absolutely demand that I carry the absolutely greatest level of health is to more efficiently facilitate these higher frequencies to come onto the planet. I often overlook that fact that my real motives for consistently addressing the fears that come up on a daily basis are to clear myself so that I can consciously ask light to fill me, my space, and everything around me.
This is why it's important for me not to retreat into myself. It is so easy to travel a solitary road but I understand that my work here is all about connecting with other humans and reminding them of what I am rediscovering all of the time. I aim to clearly call out to the ones that have decided it is time to stand up, claim our greatness, and move ourselves into the next phase of existence where we absolutely take accountability for everything in our space. This phase will also allow us to more deeply connect with each other so that we recreate the reality that we are all one, all connected, and everything I do for myself, I also do for you.
With all of these details in the default world, I can sometimes push aside that deepest yearning that calls out to me to pay my bills with gratitude, open my heart when another car cuts me off, and express honesty even when everyone around me is closed and hardened.
This softness and openness that sits patiently waiting for me to allow it's full expression in my external life is calling to me more and more in every moment. This is what I am at my deepest core and this is the number one motivation behind every human action - the clear and simple desire for Love.
I can choose that instead of all of the other possibilities. I can see peace instead of this. I can connect with openness. I am an active, creative being of Light and I can choose to see whatever I desire.
Today I choose Love.

To be or not to be .... Open

2008-01-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

After this past week, I have even more confirmation of the importance of opening my heart. It doesn't matter if I feel sad, angry, betrayed, mislead, or any other emotion, one of my major missions on this planet is to continue the opening of my heart space and building my light body.
I'm realizing more and more that nothing that happens to me while in this body can ever harm my essence. This knowing makes me feel safe to open myself and my heart because the worst thing that can happen is I may experience some pain. It won't change who I am at my core. It won't mean the death of me or my emotions. It will mean that I could create ripples on this earth- ripples of heart openings that could cause all of us to open a little more before we act. It will mean that I can create a deeper experience of loving than I have experience in this lifetime. It will mean that I can connect more deeply with the humans that I love and allow them into my world on a deeper level.
The ironic thing is that when I am clenched so tightly closed from the inside out, I attract the people and situations that do energetically prey on fear and that violate human emotions. Anytime I have been completely open I have never once been taken advantage of, treated badly, or fulfilled any of the other fears I have about this issue.
I have done some major transformation in this area and my greatest hope is that with each decision I make to open myself and my heart space a little more, I will inspire other humans to do the same.
Maybe some day we will see that no matter what the status of the world or any one human might be, this is the most important act- being open, trusting, and loving enough to see a higher version of humanity and let go of our tendency to justify any kind of killing or demeaning act.

The Face of Allow

2008-01-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

Every cell in my body wants to be balanced. I can feel that down to the center of every molecule, my being craves health. My world loves to be harmonious. My brain likes to be open and still. My energy yearns to be fluid and even. My heart's deepest desire is to be always open, trusting, accepting. The natural state of every part of me is balance, order, homeostasis. I may never know this if I hadn't let a little bit of allowance into my world.
A lot of the past couple of weeks I have noticed that the only thing blocking my natural way of goodness is me. I stand in the way of my highest expression. I fend off an innate sense of knowing, understanding, and movement toward Source.
There is a balance within this concept. My friend Pedro says, "Presence is Preliminary to Everything." He is very right. Just showing up for myself allows a lot of the growth I have already seen. But at the same time, it's a little like holding space for life's natural flow to happen. I do have to show up for change to happen but with awareness that my logical mind may not always know the best picture of what that can look like. Showing up, trusting that something greater always encompasses me, and watching miracles happen. Because that is our natural state of being.
So my intention for today is to settle into certainty and naturally flow into a focused point of intensity so that I may show up for myself, my highest good, and allow greater things than I can currently see to envelope my experience.
And So It Is.

Love or Loves?

2008-01-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

"Never love two loves, baby. This kind of love is driving me crazy."
This is a line from an Orbital song. Since this track is so pretty, I've never really thought about what it might be referring to, until recently. Someone very close to me once had an affair and told me, "I don't know if it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time but if it is, I am."
It has been argued that humans are naturally monogamous creatures; that we are monogamous due to socialization, etc.
I don't believe that I've ever experienced jealousy until the last couple of years. That may have something to do with the fact that it's only been recently that I've been more invested in my relationships and that I have been more geographically settled.
The funny thing is, I have forged intimate relationships within the same time frame of each other and I have never once compared them. Each human interaction has been completely unique. I absolutely honor every person that I have shared intimate space with and have never lied to them or devalued our exchanges on any level.
After I did first experience some jealousy, I examined it carefully. After all, I had heard so much about it and was curious as to it's origins. I believe every situation to be unique but for me jealousy was a questioning of my self worth and some comparison of my own. I realized that if I felt like I could believe and trust the person I was feeling jealous about, the jealousy basically disappeared.
The Ethical Slut, a book about sex, intimacy, and basic human relations states that when we have feelings, they are always ours and it's our job to own them and work them out however we need to. If that means confronting the jealousy inspirer for support, mirroring, or anything else we might need, so be it. If jealousy can be used as an opportunity to expand, understand ourselves, and heal some fears, then it seems that having multiple loves could be not only something acceptable but something desired.
As for me and the application of these concepts to my actual life, I'm undecided and uninvolved. I'm open and unattached. I think if honesty, unconditional love, and truth came along, dressed as a human, I couldn't say no, no matter what the situation looked like.

When it all makes sense

2007-10-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

May Sarton says, "We travel up to heaven and down to hell a 100 times a day." And if I had to describe the human experience to a non-human entity, that's exactly what I would say.
I'm ending this day with so many things making sense to me. But I definitely didn't start the day that way.
I had an amazing conversation with a cleaning woman who wakes up at 2 am most mornings to chant for peace on the planet. She says that she doesn't have much money or time but when she wakes up at two in the morning to chant for humans across the globe, she feels like she is doing something. I think it's working.
I reminded a child that she could heal herself through her hands. I thought that I was the one doing the reminding but I think she is the one who reminded me.
I had an intense conversation with a french woman who allowed me to examine how far I have come in this life and reactivated that challenging inclination I have to question ALL things.
I had a beautiful friend leave me such beautiful and heart softening words of gratitude on my voicemail that I couldn't keep the tears from coming if I wanted to.
We are all just an experiment here but there are these moments of knowing .... of remembering, of feeling like all is right and having that vision of clarity that nothing can touch.
I know I am a vessel. Nothing I 'own' is mine - not my time, emotions, stuff, energy, love, etc. It is all passing through me. That makes it all so different.
I am here to serve. Serving is this wondrous gem of infinite receiving that gives back so many more times than we can see.
If I am a vessel and I am here to serve, all I can do is allow.
I show up and magic happens. That's the ideal equation.
When that doesn't happen that's called me getting in my own way.
And when I get to end a night feeling this way, I thank Source, the Creator and all of Existence for allowing me this gift of traveling up to heaven and down to hell in such a way that I can never trade anything for the experience of this day.
Thank you.

The Moon in Full Bloom

2006-11-03T18:06:00.000-08:00

I saw the moon today. . . in broad daylight. One of my favorite phenomenons of all times, I basked in the knowing that our Divine Essences are much like the moon. A lot of the time you can only see it in certain instances - when the sky is dark, right before dusk, right as the sun is rising - but there are so many times when you can also see it in the middle of the day. The key is to look.
I watched a dirty man with no shoes, a ridiculously long, grey beared, and plastic grocery bags in each hand walk across a crosswalk today. I could feel his deepest heart's yearning, the yearning that lives at the heart of all beings, to give and receive love; to have others know him as he really is - a Divine Spark of the Creator's intelligence. I could feel him. I could also feel the treachorous, bumpy, and long road he has traveled in this life so far. But in my heart, in that moment, the latter was far less of a feeling and impact than that deep longing that was radiating from his heart. I wondered if any other unknown observer had felt that same thing from him. I wondered if he was an angel crossing my path to remind me of what all humans are at their deepest core. I wondered if he had any inkling of my silent but sincere blessing aimed directly for his heart center.
We are all here. We are all human (well, most of us). We are all heartcore at the very deepest level. Where is the need for cursing an unknown driver? What purpose does it serve to send anger to the voice on the other end of a telemarketer call? Why is it important to make sure someone knows how much they have pissed you off in some way? Why do I see these things on such a regular basis?
I know that these answers will never come. What I do know is that I see the counterpart of these situations all around me. I see a genuine smile signaling that it's okay for me to enter traffic. I hear someone tell me that they understand my plight and will do everything in their power to assist me with it. I watch strangers exchange hello's on the street. These small but heart-sparking acts of kindness are the seeds of shifts that occur every day. I am not alone when I say that I know this to be true. And by me simply being the witness to these things, I am also assisting the shift that is happening in the heartiest place inside - the heart center. It was proven somewhere that a person who committed an act of kindness had an increase in their seratonin levels. In addition to that, the receiver of that act of kindness also showed a raise in the seratonin levels. Not only that. . . a witness to this act of kindness also showed increases in seratonin levels! How amazing is that!?? Do we want to cure depression? Do we want to affect everyone around us? Do we want to wake up the planet, ourselves, and establish the long-desired truth that is always available but rarely acknowledged? We are a part of one another. We are all the same. We are on this planet, together, right now, for a reason. Whatever anyone decides that is, really doesn't matter. What we decide to do with it will determine what evolutionary path we decide to take.
We're here. . . now, together. What are you gonna do about it?

Whoa now!

2006-10-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to walk through your fears and look back only to catch them completely disseminating? I've created a situation that I haven't been in for quite some time. . . and now I know why. To be faced with the possibility that another human could come into my world, know me at least as intimately as I know myself, appreciate it, and cradle me in the most fortified quilt of love, kindness, acceptance, and honor absolutely freaks me out.
Being so clear and being in such a situation makes me realize that in the past I have told myself such good stories about why I don't couple with other humans, that I am a master deceiver! I had no idea how much fear I harbor in this area. It's a moment to moment thing of course because to encounter the fears any other way would make them much too unbearable. Do most humans walk around in this state? Or are they like my former self - pretending to be open and sharing of themselves, only through a filter to monitor what comes in and goes out? No holds barred here now though. I absolutely commit to being open, honest, and uncensored because then no matter what happens, at least I can say that I did that.
I can't remember ever being so stricken with such levels of fear! I am amazed! I think I may be addicted to this process though, strangely enough. I love the heightened emotions and adrenaline rush when I approach the fear, look it in the eye, and move through it anyway. I love coming out on the other side and looking back to see what a fallacy it was. I love feeling fuller, more loving, and an all-around larger version of who I really am.
I don't think this world is meant to live in safely. I don't think pain is supposed to be avoided. I don't think that our comfort zone is necessary. I'm here to say that a safe, pain-free, comfort zone is a mere ghost of what being alive is. THIS is life. This moment when I look at what I am scared of more than any other thing and do it anyway. This feeling of having almost lost my consciousness due the overwhelming fright of open, honest affection. This opportunity of allowing myself to fully open in order to invite someone in, with no attachments.
The best part about all of this is that fact that the outcome doesn't matter. It never matters. The only thing that matters is that any human, in any situation can stay completely present and do, express, be what they feel no matter what the mind or fear say. This is the perfect beauty, precious gift, and elegant juicyness of existing, here, in this body. . . NOW.

Can Love be too Infinite?

2006-10-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

This journey that I've decided to embark on to open my heart has been absolutely fear-filled! I had no idea how much my actions were governed by fear until I made the conscious decision to live with an open heart. . . no matter what. After all, this is my natural state of being and the deepest desire of every being on this planet, so this is also one of the most impactful things I can do for not only myself but also the world.
Though this is accompanied by the obvious fears of being hurt, taken advantage of, and any invasive, abusive act happening through that heart space, I have recently watched other fears arise that are quite unexpected. The biggest one being my ability to fall in love with every human I meet. I have experienced this frequently enough to know that it is possible but rarely enough to think that it can only occur in a heightened state and that a portion of it is not real. . . based on the lack of residue. What I see now is that this is the way a heart-opened world would look. And the reason why the residual effects are not noticeable, is because every time it happens it scares me on such a level that I close down more intensely than before.
Isn't this my nature? Isn't this my blissful right? To unconditionally be in love with every human I meet. . . this is the effect of eternal compassion. This is the place that all of the great ancients occupied and spread throughout every interaction, word, and thought that they ever exuded. And here I sit. . . scared to death that this happens to me. I feel almost like this has been my absolute purpose and deepest desire for millenia and that this space, my inner space, is now conducive to support this phenomenon.
So today I will decidedly propagate these internal, natural rhythms of loving ecstacy, walk through my fears, and come out on the other side infinitely loving, radiating, and thoroughly basking in this experience of falling in love with everyone I meet.

Incoming~

2006-09-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have been asking and asking and here it all comes at once-the people/jobs I want to work with, the education tailored specifically for me, the uncovering of all avenues leading straight to health, and a balance of my existence in the world and other people's demands. But the Universe is amazingly comical because they have all been thrown at me in the past week much like an ocean wave, not harmful if trickling in but it can literally knock the life right out of you if its big enough.
So now I stand in this place and come to an acceptance of every decision I have made before now and my current state as a result. It is both illuminating and desolate. . .
I have been putting off writing my five year plan, a suggestion made by a friend who has come into my world as part of a guidance system I called out for. This night is the absolute perfect time, at a point where all of these things I have been asking for aren't fully developed but on the verge of infinite possiblities on every level.
Why is it that common belief holds that things must change and develop gradually? Isn't it a matter of our emotional readiness? Isn't time an illusion anyway? Why do we call for slow movement so often?
So this night I retire with uncertainty lingering all around me like a dense fog that even when moved through, immediately returns to reclaim its space. I will find that quiet and centered space within myself and commune with the future me in order to develp this five year plan. Tomorrow I will take care of everything else; I will wait for the light to address the not-quite-tidy ends of this life quilt I have been working so diligently on. I ask that my plug be fully connected and all alpha/beta cords be very well in tact. . . on this night the wakeless download is most essential.

Bring it on~

2006-09-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

My friend, high vibrational peer, and Qigong instructor set the challenge before me to practice Qigong for 100 consecutive days. I heard the acceptance of the challenge come out of my mouth before I could even think about. My after-thought was, "What are you thinking?! Are you really up for that right now?" But the damage was done and now I have set forth on this path that I can feel is going to completely shift my relationship with myself.
In the meantime, I am struggling a bit with adapting to the default world after existing in a magical space where the fact that anything is possible and light infinitely radiates at any given moment is the norm. Although I missed LA (I can drive aggressively, though kindly, and not be an Asshole) being back in my life has been a series of ups and downs. I left questioning my everything and came back to exactly that. I haven't been in a smooth flow since I've been back. That may be something to do with the fact that we have just ended and begun a 260-day cycle. That happened on Sat./Sun. Sunday morning I left a friend's birthday party right as it was getting light. Since I never drink coffee and I drank it that morning (just to offset the 3 beers and two doughnut holes I consumed, oh my! I was reckless that night!) I bypassed my house and drove to PCH. For no reason at all, I continued to drive up the coast and drink two more cups of coffee (I was out of control that night/day!) I did some healing and realized that I hadn't released everything that occurred for me this last year. I realized the loss of three close relationships, for varied reasons, to people that mean alot to me. Inside I know that means that space is open for other amazing souls who's journeys on this life road are more paralleled to mine but that didn't ease the pain that I was carrying around. I allowed that to come through, almost overtaking me at times, but I felt so light afterward. I cried for those losses. I cried for the planet. I cried for the friends I left at the party that have absolutely beautiful souls but not an ounce of direction. I cried for my addictions. I cried for the collective dis-ease of humanity. I cried for the hopelessness that keeps coming up in my world. And when all of these tears had flown and my gas tank was empty (literally and figuratively), I was ready to sleep. Somewhere inside of all of that, I had a clear picture of all of the clutter that occupies my space. Its senseless, disharmonizing, and easy to change. That is the mission I am on now. As I clear this clutter, I will also be fulfilling this 100-day Qigong challenge and clearing away the spaces in myself and my body that have not been visited in a very long time (or ever) that carry stagnancy as well. A clearing. . . this year of Divine Self-Love is calling for a clearing and yearning for space to be available where I may cultivate this thing that will be a life-long relationship of acknowledging and feeding what my highest self most passionately desires.

Lessons

2006-09-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

What an amazing, insight-filled, and outrageous journey! So many lessons, so many unexpected occurences, and so many brilliant surprises taking place every second. I truly experienced how ultimately we really do create our own reality. I am the main player in my story and I know that I create everything that happens in my space at every second.
It was a disappointment that one of my closest and dearest friends chose other things this year, rather than gallavanting with our family to the desolate desert. It was a challenge for me to comprehend as it was an indirect choice and one that I still can't understand. But my own deeper lesson came out of this. I have been such a solo wanderer, vagabond, and experiencer that I now acknowledge my desire for fellow fringe-dwellers to walk alongside me on this journey of life on a more consistent basis. I, for the first time in my life, crave and know that there is a significant one yearning for me to discover a place that we may merge and walk together because our passion for walking the path of the Divine is so amazingly congruent. I feel it, I know it, It Is.
I am now ready to make space for people to visit my inner terrain more often and stay awhile. I allow people to accompany me during times that I may usually and sternly request to be alone. I know that although it is sometimes more work to work with people, the benefits are absolutely worthwhile and more than I can comprehend at this time. I give up my addiction to control and open myself to sporadic moments of clarity with other people. I am inviting ones that resonate with me and hold their own aspirations high and outright so as to attract people like myself.
I love this Universe! I love being human! I love everything about all the energies that surround me and allow me to express exactly what I am in any given moment. I am most honored to be on this planet, be a part of this story, and stand clearly in my power and knowingness that this is one magnificent and extraordinarily beautiful journey~

And So It Is

2006-08-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

My annual sabbatical begins today. By the time I arrive back home three weeks from now, I will be a completely different human. My yearly theme has also presented itself: Divine Self-Love. I realized the other day that I have questioned my deservingness of someone amazing. This brought me to the question of why this might be. Well, no answers lie in that field so I then began to ask myself, "What would make me feel more worthy?" And so this journey begins with undulations of self-acknowledgement, self-gratitude, and self-appreciation. It makes so much sense that this focus would offset the imbalance that existst in my life where serving people is concerned. This thing: having the ability to serve others in many ways is markedly the greatest gift I was bestowed in this life time and simultaneously the biggest burden I will carry. I've known this thing for most of my life, though it hasn't been acknowledged for what it is until most recently. I feel like cultivating a reservoir of self-love will balance the ever-shifting life scales that my Libranness so desperately desires to maintain balanced.
I have an inkling that many things are in store for me on this journey, on many levels. For as it appears right now, self-love is a discovery of self, self-acceptance, and self-rejuvination. How could an excursion colored so beautifully be one so rarely taken? I am here to find out. I know that it won't be all above ground for the Shadow Self is very much alive here and has been rearing its head as of recent.
Whatever my journey looks like, I embrace it 100%, love every minute of it, and throw myself right in the middle of it, roll around, rub it in, and come out on the other side a more loving, deep, colorful, grounded, and well-rounded human for I designed this journey and this is what I choose NOW~

The Living Prophecy

2006-08-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

We are literally prophesying ourselves awake. Our cells are alive and listening to everything we say to them and are as receptive as the quality of the substances that we put into them. Everything around us, though seemingly dense, really harbors more space in between the molecules than the actual molecules themselves. Nothing in our world is concrete or fixed. Everything is always changing, or waiting to change. We are so powerful that we might amaze ourselves if we allowed space for our natural tendencies to spring forth and change reality right before our eyes.
I experienced this so fully this last week. I decided that the blockages in my solar plexus and throat areas were going to be released right now and that the only reason why my healing had to be a process was if I made that decision. So I chose healing NOW. It was uncomfortable, indeed. But it was quick and it left me insanely inspiring messages along the way. Not only that but because of the physical discomfort I was forced to eliminate all unessentials from my diet/lifestyle and focus solely on the potent nutrients and goodness available. My physical vehicle has never felt so clear and alive. I have literally re-trained my cells to desire breathe instead of sugar or coffee, or any other life-force-limiting activity that I was previously distracted by.
But this party isn't completely happy and fluffy. A lot of sludge is coming up. It's like that oh-so-common metaphor of pouring the water in the glass that is half full of mud so when you pour it in, the mud is aroused and pushed all around but if you continue to pour water, the glass will eventually be clear, pure water. And so this the narrative of my world right now. All of my inner grungies are rearing their heads and I love them for being keen enough to want to be dealt with by this cleansing process but wow. . . sometimes I want to tell the whole world to go away, leave me alone for about two months, and when they come back, don't ask me to do anything, be anywhere, or acquiesce to any expectations ever again! Thank you for coming into my world. . . leave your demand at the door~

Our Mission

2006-08-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

It was revealed that a fellow Moontribe family member took his own life this weekend. How ever did I miss the sorrow inside of this one? He was one of infinite smiles, real and heartcore hugs, and someone who always seemed to be there. The deepest part of me knows he chose not to be here for this time. It is an intense shift at this time on the planet and not all humans are ready or willing to participate from this plane. I know he is assisting in his own way from another frequency of existence and yet I can't seem to shake this sorrow today. I don't watch TV, subjugate myself to the media, or read propaganda. What I am is witness to what the average human life consists of. How is this planet ever going to heal if we are all walking around unconscious and controlled by our addictions? As I fight my own addictions on this day, I'm asking for Universal Assistance to process this sadness that rests inside me today, give it back to the earth so she can transmutate it, and contribute to the healing process of The Mama, the human race, and the Universe in general. On this day that is what I can do. I will continue to know that I am a LightWorker and I came here for a purpose. Thank you humans, non-physical energies, and All That Is. It is a blessing to be here at this time.

Universal Significance

2006-08-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

"Not everyone can or will do that-give his specific fears and desires a chance to be of universal significance. One must believe that private dilemmas are, if deeply examined, universal, and so, if expressed, have a human value beyond the private, and one must also believe in the vehicle for expressing them, in the talent."

May Sarton feels this way and I can see why. But since we are all connected, if my innards are expressed here does that mean that others will benefit without even reading? My knowing is that any thought, feeling, or insight that I may have will benefit all humans, just as their's benefits me but whether that is conscious or unconscious I'm sure depends on the level of ingestion.
So I will write and if some random soul happens to stumble onto this page, I will be just as greatful as if noone ever reads this for I am writing to the ethers and the ethers are eternally receiving.